Prologue
by Embolalia
Summary: A retelling of Kara's relationship with Zak and her first encounters with Lee. Spoilers for Daybreak flashbacks. *Pre-mini-series*
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue: Chapter 1**

So, I know everyone else has taken a shot at writing Kara, Lee and Zak's pre-mini-series relationships, but here's my version. Hope you enjoy!

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><p>Kara smirks as she tilts her head back and pours the ambrosia straight down her throat. As angry as she's been over getting grounded and assigned to the Academy, getting to scream at nuggets all day has done wonders for her mood.<p>

"Lieutenant?" a voice asks beside her.

Her grin grows feral as Kara catches the deference in the man's tone and turns to see which one has found her.

"Hey." A young man stands over her, gesturing to the empty stool beside hers. "Can I sit?"

Kara shrugs, studying him. Of all the new nuggets today, this kid was the only one who obeyed all her orders without screwing up. Even when she'd tried to call attention to him, he had let it roll off of him, his only response an ironic smile lurking in his eyes. "Cadet...Adama, was it?" As if she doesn't know.

"Yes, sir." He slides into the seat. "Zak."

She nods. "Nuggets usually screw up their first day, Zak."

"Did you?" Zak grins and gets away with his impertinence.

Kara snorts. "Not that day, actually."

Zak smiles. "I grew up in the military."

"Family business?"

He shrugs. "Second generation. My dad's a Commander. And my brother's a lieutenant."

She raises an eyebrow. "He train around here?"

"Nope." Zak waves to the bartender for his own drink. "He went to War College, did his flight training there."

"And you didn't want to go get a fancy education, too?" He's so damn affable, she has to push.

Zak just shakes his head. "Wasn't for me."

Kara takes a sip of her ambrosia and nods once. "My mom was a sergeant major. I grew up with military discipline, too."

"Well, at least we were well prepared for Basic Flight!"

She nearly chokes on her drink. "I guess that is something. And after that, what, the nuggets are just too young for your taste?"

"Something like that." He murmurs the words softly enough that Kara turns her head, catches the way Zak's eyes are lingering on her figure now that she's out of uniform. She gives him the once-over in turn and finds him quite to her taste.

A few drinks later, Kara decides this is the perfect way to defy the bastards who grounded her for frakking around with a superior officer. Zak seems surprised when she leans in and kisses him, but to his credit he doesn't hesitate.

xxx

The alarm blares the next morning, and Kara rapidly slaps it off.

"Time for class?" a voice asks blearily, and she rolls over, blinking hard.

"Sorry," Zak says with a grin. "Was I not supposed to still be here?"

"Yeah..." She's not pleased but it's not worth getting into right now. "You'll be missed back in your barracks." Kara slips out of bed, stepping into the bathroom and flipping on the shower to get the water going. It always takes a minute to warm up. When she turns around, Zak is still in bed, his eyes lingering on her naked body.

"Nice view," he says with a simple smile.

Kara glares, slightly perplexed.

"Can I see you again?"

She raises her eyebrows. "In class, at 0800. And if anyone ever hears about this-"

"They won't," he cuts her off. "You can trust me."

She freezes for just a moment, giving away more than she'd like except that Zak's chosen that moment to slip out of bed himself and search around for his clothes. Without answering him, she gets in the shower. By the time she comes out, he's mercifully gone.

xxx

The next time he finds her out at a bar, Kara's more cautious. Zak hasn't said anything in front of his classmates, but he watches her.

The third time she's hesitant too, but the fourth time and the time after that Kara accepts his presence with a smile and ignores him casually until the evening ends, when they drag each other back to her apartment and into bed. The sex is good and it's not like she knows anyone else still living in Delphi. Over a few weeks it becomes almost their routine. Sometimes they even do things besides frak.

xxx

Kara's caught off guard one afternoon when she walks in on Zak talking on the phone in the cadets' rec room. No one else is there so she perches on the arm of Zak's chair, waiting for him to pay attention to her.

"I'm looking forward to it, man," Zak says with a grin. His hand lightly pulls one of Kara's feet into his lap and his fingers explore her ankle. "You should meet my girlfriend while you're here."

Kara jerks back at the word, and Zak looks up at her in surprise.

"Gotta go," he says quickly into the phone. "Let me know when you know exactly when you'll get in."

Kara stares down at him as he hangs up, entirely at a loss for words.

"What?" Zak finally asks.

"Girlfriend?"

He shrugs. "We've been sleeping together regularly for two months. Is there something else you want me to call you?"

Her mouth hangs open. She can't put her reaction into words and if she could she wouldn't tell Zak. She's never been the kind of girl to have boyfriends. Sure she's frakked her share of friends and teammates and fellow officers but before the Academy she couldn't let anyone get close enough to find out what her home life was like, and ever since relationships of any kind have been against regs in the first place. Plus he barely knows her, just knows Starbuck. Kara swallows hard. "Whatever." She forces her usual sass into her tone and Zak grins, tugs her down to kiss him.

As she straightens, he smiles up at her. "That was my brother, by the way."

"The infamous lieutenant?"

"He's home on leave a couple days next week; he's going to stop by."

"Meeting the family," Kara murmurs to herself. Apparently this is what girlfriends do. "You don't want to just get dinner with him yourself and then come home and frak me?" Zak always describes his brother as the clear-headed one, the rational one. Lee's sure to see right through her.

"Don't worry." Zak leans up to kiss Kara's cheek, then stands. "He'll love you, too." He heads toward the door. "Come on or we'll be late."

In spite of his warning, Kara slips down into his seat and stares into space for a minute. Her mind is blank except for that one word: too.

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><p>AN: So, I got a livejournal account because it seems that's where most of the fic for this show is still happening, but I can't really figure out how the communities work. If anyone has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

**Prologue: Chapter 2**

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><p>Kara lays in bed, staring up at the ceiling in the darkness. She can hear Zak snoring in the living room, and on any other night she'd prop him up and drag him into her bed, but right now she can't.<p>

Her hands tangle together on her stomach as the evening plays over and over in her mind. Wine and cooking and trying to get details about Lee out of Zak. She was barely even nervous, kept telling herself lightly that if the night went badly she could just transfer Zak to another class and never look back.

But something happened in the moment she opened the door for Zak's brother: she recognized him. Not from seeing him before, or meeting him before-she just knew him. His brow furrowed as he stared back and Kara had never been so sure in her life that someone else was thinking the same thing she was.

And then...things went on. Dinner, drinks. More drinks. She spent the whole evening charming them both, stuck between the thought that it had only been two months and she and Zak had never even talked about being exclusive and the knowledge that this was his brother. All it took was the impatience she always felt when Zak passed out for her internal argument to fade into silence.

"Shots!" she announced, leading the way back toward the table.

Lee sat down across from her, his face clearly warring between his own wariness and interest. "So you're his instructor?" he asked, the question Zak had badgered him not to press earlier.

Kara shrugged. "Yup." Her eyes dared him to say something.

Lee was hardly about to back down. "And the Academy is just okay with that?"

She rolled her eyes. "What the Academy doesn't know doesn't frakking hurt anyone, Lee. Plus it's not like we're that serious." The words slipped out without her planning them, but Kara couldn't help noticing the instant shift in Lee's body. Like it was a signal. Like it was permission. Her fingers closed around the neck of the bottle and she poured new shots. Her heart was racing. It felt like running toward him, and she'd never in her life had a reason to slow down. She looked up at Lee as he clinked his glass against hers. Kara's eyes flared in delight and she knocked it back.

"So is he any good?" Lee shifted the conversation.

Kara squirmed. "He's still new at it. Some people need a little practice to get the feel." The comment was diplomatic for her, but Lee still frowned.

"How many flights did it take you?" he asked pointedly.

She grinned, remembering that first day.  
>He nodded. "Me, too." He smiled, more relaxed now with the ambrosia and the privacy. "It was the best moment of my life. Exhilarating. I felt like I'd never really lived before that moment." Lee chuckled at the poetry of his own words.<br>Kara shrugged. "I thought about dying. I'd spent so much time working on the engines of those things that I thought-one little spark in the wrong place, and this is how I'll go out. Not half bad."  
>Lee looked at her in shock as she drank the last sip in her glass and made a face at the taste. Kara grinned again at his expression. She could get used to the thrill of surprising Lee Adama. It was a startling thought. She licked the ambrosia off her lips and didn't think about it any harder.<br>"You're tempting fate," Lee warned.  
>Kara's eyes sparkled.<br>Lee went on, warning her against flying and thinking of dying. With every word they leaned in closer, their breath mingling.  
>She defied fear of death, and he asked her in turn what did scare her.<p>

And Kara finally told him something she'd never told anyone else, would never even think of telling Zak. She tried to fight it, poured and nearly spilled another round. But he was waiting, and she trusted him. "Being forgotten."

And Lee just nodded, just lifted his shot glass and toasted her again. "Well, I will never forget this," he said, so softly. And their eyes had met, and held-  
>"Depends how drunk you get," Kara quipped. She had to break the mood, it was so much, so fast. But Lee laughed along.<br>Their conversation devolved into stories of drunken escapes and the rivalry between War College graduates and Academy pilots. Finally Lee got around to asking whom she'd frakked to end up a flight instructor and Kara waved him off.  
>"It doesn't matter."<br>He raised his eyebrows. "So what does matter?"

Kara giggled. "You and I, right here, right now." She waved her hands.

"On the table?" He pointed, his words suddenly laced with meaning.

She snorted, tried to hide the rush of heat that went through her at the prospect. "I dare you." She leaned in close, eager. "I double dog dare you."

He repeated her words, laughing, then stood, his hands already dancing up her sides. "Alright."

She was still smiling but he was intense. Gods, he was beautiful. He moved her up onto the table, his hand clasping hers for a moment. And they kissed. The feeling that had captivated them all night crystallized into a physical need. Then Kara was slipping backwards, making room for Lee on the table as she urged him toward her, eager to feel his weight. And something fell.

"Something's broken!" Zak protested from the couch.

She doesn't know how to feel, even now, about how angry she was at Zak in that moment. But then everything came back, Zak's adoration and the purpose of the evening, and she could tell from the way Lee turned away from her that he remembered, too.

They separated without a word, another shared thought.

And still, even then, she had offered her hand to him, standing over Zak's sleeping form. It had felt so strangely intimate: saying his name, him saying hers. Whatever was between them was still there, consummated or not.

Kara pulls the blanket up over her head. She needs to stop thinking and sleep; there's a training run tomorrow she has to supervise. Yet somehow her body won't let go of its eagerness for Lee and relax. Her mind won't stop insisting that she should have put the wine glass away first. Or hell, walked Lee out and frakked him in the hall where Zak wouldn't hear.

"Kara?" a voice asks from the doorway.

For a moment she thinks he's come back and elation crashes through her.

She hopes Zak is too drunk to see the disappointment in her face when it's only him.

"You didn't put me to bed," he mumbles, sinking down beside her.

"You were pretty drunk," she teases affectionately, shifting over. "Come on, sleep."

Zak curls up beside her, throwing a heavy, warm arm across Kara's waist. Kara snuggles into his shoulder and tries to put the guilt away. She tries to tell herself that like as not, she'll never see Lee again anyway. But she doesn't believe that at all.

x

xxx

x

It's nearly an hour back to his mom's place outside Caprica City, but there's nowhere else for him to go. Lee's glad the roads are clear; he's had way too much to drink to be driving but there was no way he could have stayed on the couch after what just nearly happened.

Frak. He's the sane and sober one in the family, regardless of how much he can drink. What was he thinking?

He knows the answer, though. All he could think about was her. Lee shakes his head, wincing at the pain, and tries to focus on the road. It's not like they did anything that bad.

It's a lie he doesn't even try to keep up. Whatever is between him and Kara has been left unfulfilled, but they're not innocent. He's drunk enough that he pulls over twice and nearly turns around, goes back to her. She and Zak are barely even dating yet, Kara made that clear. Zak would forgive him eventually...

Or not. Frak!

Lee keeps going, racing through the night. It seems like it should be getting lighter soon but it keeps getting darker. He pulls into his mother's driveway as the dashboard clock moves toward 3 AM and lets himself into the house. Something darts past him and for a moment he thinks it's a bat until he sees more carefully: a bird.

He dives for it with whatever he can grab, eager to have a distraction from his thoughts. A lamp crashes, and Lee remembers what Zak said before. Something is broken. Lots of things have been broken tonight.


	3. Chapter 3

**Prologue: Chapter 3**

At this point we leave the actual show behind, but this story isn't AU; everything should eventually fit into canon. Also, this chapter gets into borderline 'M' territory. Let me know what you think!

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><p>"So make it back here in one piece," Starbuck finishes, saluting the nuggets as they salute her. She glares at them from her podium, signaling them to leave. Zak lingers, but not too noticeably. The rest are on their way for the door when laughter breaks through the sound of their voices and Starbuck looks up.<p>

Lee is standing just inside the door in his BDUs.

Zak leaps up to hug him while Kara tries to smile blankly.

"What's going on?" Zak asks eagerly.

Lee claps him on the back. "I'm getting transferred to the Atlantia. It just came through and Delphi's my transfer point on the way there. Figured I'd crash with you for the couple days until I ship out."

"In the barracks?" Zak looks at him like he's crazy.

Lee glances over Zak's shoulder to Kara and she tries not to shiver. "Hey, it wouldn't be the first time I slept in a barracks common room. War College might have had bedrooms instead, but you still got evicted if your roommate brought a girl home."

Zak laughs. "Well, you lucked out for tonight, anyway. Our whole training squadron is doing an over-night run to Picon and back."

Lee looks at Kara straight on now that they're the only ones left in the room. "You're leading this endeavor?" he asks, testing the waters.

She moves toward them, feeling Zak's hand come to rest on her back as he steps away from Lee. "A couple of the senior flight instructors, actually. Don't tell the cadets, but they're evaluating me, too."

Zak arches an eyebrow at her as if he's hearing this for the first time. "I'll be careful not to screw up, then."

Kara smiles at him affectionately. "Sounds good." She turns toward Lee, the smile lingering in her eyes. "Enjoy your visit." She steps around him and heads out, trying not to look back.

xxx

A knock on her door a few hours later startles Kara into dropping her paintbrush. "Frak!" she swears as she wipes at the paint that's smeared across the knee of her jeans and snatches the brush from the floor. The knocking rings out again and she glares up the stairs, ignoring a hope she shouldn't be feeling.

"Zak!" she yelps in surprise as she swings the door open.

"Hey." He leans in to kiss her on the cheek. "Lee dumped his stuff at my quarters, but since he's alone there-"

"Don't worry," Lee jumps in quickly from behind him, "I warned Zak that after all this time with him you'd probably be glad for a night to yourself."

Kara grins and joins in. "You've spent some time with him, huh?"

Zak rolls his eyes at both of them. "Fine. I'm off. You two have fun." He maneuvers Lee past him so he can get out into the narrow hallway.

"Give 'em hell!" Kara calls after him, and Zak's laughter carries back as he heads down the hall.

And then the door is closed and they're alone.

Kara heads down the stairs again, but stops when she realizes Lee isn't following. She turns around. "What?" she asks, looking up at him, then winces. Neither of them should have to say it.

"Look, Kara," Lee says awkwardly. He fights to keep his eyes from drifting toward the table where he nearly frakked her senseless just a month ago. "I'm sure..." The pleasantries fall away, but she's nodding. They both know.

"Have a good night, Lee Adama."

Their eyes are locked for a long moment.

"Okay." He turns and opens the door. "See you later, Kara."

The intimacy of him saying her name like that, not Lieutenant or Starbuck or Thrace, quickens her pulse. But he's already gone.

Kara goes back to her painting. For the next half-hour, she tries to make art of the swaths of color she laid down earlier, but her mind won't focus. The canvas slowly devolves into concentric circles, like so many of her others. Drawing her in like a black hole. She laughs off the thought and wipes her hands on a rag. Only one thing is pulling on her tonight and it's going to take more than art to get him off her mind. Throwing her painting supplies in the sink, Kara reaches for her wallet and keys.

xxx

Lee wanders a while. Zak took his car back to the base, assuming Lee would get a ride with Kara later, but it's good be planetside and Lee doesn't mind the walk. It's the hot season now in Delphi, and even at this point in the evening the air is warm on his skin. He finds his way to a park a little ways from Kara's apartment and slows down, taking in the flowers and the kids playing junior pyramid. It's good to have something to focus on, to fight back the twinge of disappointment he's been trying to ignore all afternoon.

For the past month he hasn't been able to stop thinking about Kara Thrace. Lee had half a hope that he'd show up and she and Zak wouldn't be involved anymore, that his night would have a much different trajectory by this point. Across the park he sees a couple making out on a bench. Lee turns away.

After a few more minutes he resolutely heads for a bar he noticed on the drive over. It's time for a drink.

Lee's heart-rate picks up as he walks in, a spilt second before realization washes over him. There she sits at the bar, staring right back at him, equally torn between alarm and joy.

Kara waves him over. There's a smear of green paint on her hand and Lee's suddenly reminded that for all her bravado, she's younger than he is.

"Why, hello again, lieutenant!" she quips as he reaches her, gesturing to the bartender to bring him a shot.

"Hey," Lee offers, sliding onto a stool beside her. "Decided to go out after all?"

"Drowning my worries about your brother's squadron embarrassing me," Kara tosses off lightly.

He laughs, soaring. "And how is being a flight instructor going?"

She shrugs. "Less fun than flying. More fun than the brig." Her lips quirk. "Well, most of the time. The brig has its own pleasures."

Lee studies her warily, wondering at the joke in her eyes, then shakes his head. "You do seem to be good at breaking rules."

Kara smirks. "The best."

They clink glasses and drink their shots, and Lee starts to relax. Even just bantering with her is the most fun he's had in weeks.

Two shots later he catches Kara staring over the bar at a card game that's started up. "You're a triad player?" Lee asks.

She turns back to him with a vicious smile. "I am." Then her eyes light up with mischief and she slips her dog tags over her head and into her pocket. "Come on, let's go win some money."

Lee starts to hesitate, but Kara is off her stool already and tugging at his hand. He's pretty sure he'd follow her anywhere.

She laces her fingers through his as they reach the card table and Lee looks down at her in surprise. Kara's focus is on the four men already playing. "Can we join you?" she asks. Her voice is higher than usual, and Lee starts to grin. "Lee here said he'd teach me to play triad!

Lee doesn't miss the faint glances the men throw to each other.

"Grab a seat," one of the men says, running his eyes over Kara's tight jeans and thin tank top. "The more the merrier."

Kara smiles at him, but not her usual smile: there's no coyness or mischief, just delight. Lee tries not to smirk himself at how good she is at this. He grabs a chair from the next table and drags it over.

"I'll just sit on your lap!" she announces, making the men chuckle, and Lee feels the floor start to drop away. Her eyes meet his for a moment, daring him, testing his response. Lee sits and reaches into his pocket for some cash to get into the game, and Kara drops down, sitting sideways across his knees so he can see the table.

"You want your own hand?" Lee asks, playing along.

Kara grins in success. "Yup! But let me play and you can be my coach." She twists toward the other four at the table. "Is that alright?"

They nod reassuringly, sure they'll be taking home all Lee's money. One of the men even shakes his head at Lee in sympathy.

He throws in the blinds and nudges Kara to pick up the cards she's been dealt. She starts to arrange them and he grabs her hand, muttering, "Not by picture!" before the men catch on to her familiarity with the game.

Kara turns and nods once, then fans the cards and lets Lee organize them.

They play through the next several hands, with Kara protesting his suggestions and losing three times in a row with foolish bets. Lee pretends to get irritated with her, but his hands have drifted down to her legs to hold her on his lap and in truth he's having a hard time focusing.

"I've got this one! I know it!" Kara exclaims over her fourth hand, and Lee rolls his eyes for their opponents' benefit. Three of them quickly fold, though, and it turns out that Kara's exuberance wins her the hand. She squeals, holding her arms up in victory.

"Thank your man," one of the others teases her, and she twists toward Lee.

He catches the playfulness in her eyes in the moment before she leans down, pressing her lips to the corner of his mouth. Lee tries not to let his surprise show in front of the strangers, but he leans into her shoulder as she turns back to the game to collect her next hand. His awareness of her closeness ratchets up even higher.

"Twenty credits," Kara bets.

He's suddenly a thousand times more conscious of her smell, her hair tickling his cheek, the heat of her body against his legs. His grip on her tightens, his thumb gently stroking her hip, and Lee feels Kara's body tense in response.

She turns a moment to glance back at him, her eyes dark and intense, and Lee doesn't know what to say. She plays the hand without asking him for help, still giggling for the men's benefit but forgetting to mask her skills.

This time when Kara wins she cheers and the men laugh. Then she twists to face Lee, and she's not playing anymore. She looks down at him for a long moment, then surges toward him. It's a real kiss this time, her lips soft and hungry on his, and Lee's fingers sink into her hair to keep her from pulling away. As if either of them could. When they separate, panting, their eyes meet. There's no more evasion there; neither of them is trying to pretend any longer that what's happening isn't happening. The thrill running through him explodes. Lee practically shoves Kara off his lap as he stands and pulls her up with him. "Have a drink on us," Lee calls to the men they've been playing, who are now whistling good-naturedly, and waves toward the money Kara won. She doesn't take her eyes off him as he tugs her away from the game and toward the door.

When they get out onto the street Lee realizes he was wandering in circles, and they're just a few blocks now from Kara's complex.

She grins wildly at him and steps close. Just before he reaches for her, Kara taps him on the chest. "You're it!" she pronounces, then takes off. Lee stares in surprise for a moment, then runs after her. He's laughing as he chases her down the street, glad to be too caught up in the moment to think about whether this is right.

He catches Kara a few paces from her door as she slows to find her keys. He grabs her by the shoulders and spins her, kissing her hard and deep. She presses into him and Lee wraps an arm around her, holding her tightly. This, this is what he's been craving since they were so suddenly interrupted: Kara's mouth yielding to his, her hands gripping his back, his hair as she tries to get closer to him. He backs her into the wall without breaking their kiss and feels the heat between them rise again. They are shameless and eager in each other's arms.

"Inside," Kara gasps finally, her hand grabbing a fistful of Lee's shirt to make her point, and when he nods she turns away long enough to get the door open.

Kara kisses Lee again as soon as they're through it, then kicks off her jeans and goes to work on his without delay. Lee's hands hungrily explore her newly revealed body. She's like no other girl he's ever been with and he couldn't slow down if he wanted to.

In minutes he's got her pressed into the wall, her legs wrapped around him right there at the top of the stairs as he fraks her with a month's pent up desire. Then Kara's screaming out his name and it's so, so much better than he imagined.

Legs trembling, Lee turns and slides down the wall, settles at the bottom with Kara still straddling his lap. She moans in satisfaction and rests her head against his shoulder as Lee catches his breath.

For a minute their hearts slow, find the same rhythm.

Then Lee swallows, realizing what's just happened. He frakked Zak's girlfriend. He tenses and Kara must feel it because she sits back, examining his face. He feels as if she can see everything that's going through his mind. And then she shifts forward, wraps her arms around his neck and hugs him as hard as she can.

Lee hugs her back. In this comfort, this intimacy, he remembers the strength of the connection they felt when they met.

Kara eventually withdraws. She stands, smiling giddily down at him. "Come on!" She pulls off the bra that was still tangled around her arm and drops it and the rest of her clothing unceremoniously over the railing. "This may not be the nicest apartment, but there are more comfortable places than up against a cement wall." Kara grins and snatches Lee's t-shirt off the top step, pulls it on as she skips down. Lee watches her in amazement for a moment before standing and tugging his boxers back on.

He descends slowly, pausing to look at the paintings that hang along the stairs. They seem almost like pictures of space, for all that the colors are bright. Not the raw, empty blackness of space but the nebulae and singularities that have fascinated him since he first got to fly past them, separated by nothing but a piece of glass.

"Lee?" Kara asks from the living room. "You want a drink? Coffee, ambrosia, water?"

"Yeah," he says, turning. "Water's good. Are these all the same artist?"

Her eyes snap to him warily and Lee blinks in surprise. Then she shifts and he realizes she's just self-conscious. He nearly smiles.

"They're mine," Kara says.

He laughs.

"What?" she snaps.

Lee shakes his head. Of course she would understand what he sees from his Viper. "They're wonderful." She still seems unsure, so he nods hard. "I mean it."

Kara accepts his words and turns away, gets him a glass of water from the tap. As she hands it to him, she kisses a fingertip and presses it to an idol of Aphrodite that's sitting on a side-table.

Lee blinks.

"What?" Kara asks, bemused, at his expression. "You want me to end up pregnant or something?"

He feels himself freeze.

Kara bursts out laughing. "My gods, Lee, the look on your face!"

Lee frowns warily. "You believe in that stuff?"

She shrugs, still giggling. "Well, I still have a birth control implant like every other woman in the fleet." She sobers a bit. "But yeah. I believe."

He sips his water and sits down against the arm of the couch. "Why?" he asks, perplexed.

"Why what?" Kara takes a seat on the other arm, her feet resting on the couch cushions, forcing Lee to turn around to face her. Her eyes sparkle in challenge.

"Well, you seem like a sane person," Lee begins to argue, "and you've seen what there is to see of the universe. Why would you think there's more out there? Something controlling us?"

Kara shrugs. "There are things we can feel and imagine that we don't have proof of. But not having proof doesn't mean something doesn't exist." They are somewhere between banter and argument. It feels completely natural.

"Is that why you're not afraid of dying?" he asks.

Her face stills for a moment. "I'm not-I don't really think I'm going to, Lee, that's not what I meant. But if I did...yeah, I believe it's just another adventure to have."

"But why believe in it blindly?" Lee presses.

"Just have faith!" She laughs in delight at Lee's clear frustration. "The gods won't help you if you don't ask for it and seriously, Lee, you could probably use the help."

"I have faith in people," he says honestly. "You and me."

She sighs heavily, her laughing eyes giving away her amusement. "Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you Lee, but I'm usually a frak-up."

He rolls his eyes and grabs a pillow, tossing it at her. If she's not going to try to be serious, neither is he.

Kara dodges the pillow but sends it back hard, leaping off the couch.

Lee finds himself chasing her again. This time they make it all the way to the bedroom.


	4. Chapter 4

**Prologue: Chapter 4**

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><p>Kara drifts slowly awake late the next morning. Her legs have ended up outside the covers and she snuggles backward against the warmth behind her. Lee's arm tightens around her waist reflexively and she hums with contentment, tugs the comforter over her feet and relaxes into him. This feels different than it ever has before. There's no sense of urgency, no need to get him out of her bed and out of her space. It surprises her but she's too sleepy to pursue the thought.<p>

"Good morning," Lee murmurs, leaning in so that his words tickle her ear.

"Morning," Kara replies in kind, slipping her fingers through his. "Have a good night?" she teases.

He presses a kiss to her shoulder. "Might be my favorite activity ever," he answers.

She twists to see him, eyebrows arching defensively. "Might be?"

Lee grins, and gods she glows with pleasure at the sight. "Definitely on the ground."

Her smile nearly splits her face as she realizes what he means. "Come on." In a flash she's out of bed, groping around for her underwear.

"Kara-" Lee starts to groan in protest, but she shakes her head.

"I promise you'll like this," she tells him in a sultry tone.

Lee frowns in confusion but follows her lead.

xxx

The way Kara drives, it only takes ten minutes to get to the base. She parks in the lot near the barracks and imperiously orders Lee to go in and change out of his civvies. His eyes narrow when Kara won't explain why, but he obliges.

Next she leads the way to the Flight Training Center. The campus is emptier than usual because of the training mission Zak's squadron is on, and the FTC in particular is vacant.

Kara squeals with laughter at Lee's expression when she finally unlocks the door and shows him where they're going. "I promised, didn't I?" she teases.

His eyes dance as he takes in the newest line of simulators. "Not quite like the real thing," he points out.

She shrugs. "The nuggets took all the training Vipers, so this is as close as you're gonna get today. Plus you don't even have to wear a flight suit!"

Lee frowns. "Really? When I trained-"

"When you were trained, you were a nugget. Did you really think there was vacuum in the simulator?" She looks at him skeptically. "Anyway, this is my domain." Kara waves her hands at the sims and the bank of computers that control them. Then she jogs over and begins typing, glancing up thoughtfully at Lee as he watches her. In a few minutes she's done and waves him toward one of the machines. "That one's yours, Lieutenant."

Lee mock-salutes and climbs up into it.

Kara settles into her own simulator quickly, tugging on the earpiece that will let her communicate with Lee without a helmet. "You ready to go?"

"Always," Lee promises.

She grins, and hits the button to start the simulation.

They're beginning with one of her favorites: the rings of Virgon. It's mostly a way of testing the adeptness of nuggets at responding to sudden meteoroids and shifts in atmosphere, but the scenery is gorgeous. She's tried to paint it more than once.

Out the window, she sees Lee's Viper flip adroitly toward hers. "You're it," he says over the comm, echoing her words from last night. And takes off.

Starbuck whoops and begins her chase. He must know this one, she thinks, and then her entire focus narrows to his Viper. They navigate the rings with ease, but eventually she loses him in the clouds. She cruises along, dipping over and under cloud layers. Then just a hint of motion and-there! With a laugh, she shoots and his Viper glows red on the screen. "Gotcha!" her voice rings out.

Apollo groans over losing, but he wiggles his wings at her playfully. "What next?"

"Hmm." Starbuck detaches from the Viper controls for a moment and switches between programs. "You ready for a fight?"

"You against me?" he asks with a hint of concern.

"Us against the cylons," Kara answers distractedly, still typing.

"Any time," Lee answers promptly.

Kara nods approval. "Here we go!"

The screens that have been showing them Virgon flicker and suddenly they're in an asteroid field in deep space. They float quietly for a moment, then an entire squadron of raiders comes to life, diving straight at them.

"What the hell, Kara!" Lee protests.

She laughs raucously. "Did I mention this one's for a dozen nuggets to fly together?"

Lee snorts, whipping around to take out two raiders. "Cover me," he barks out.

Kara smiles through gritted teeth as she slips in behind him and starts shooting in the other direction. The sims are adaptive, so she's only at a slight advantage by knowing this program's parameters. She downs three raiders, then turns her attention back to Lee. He's setting up a shot for her and they fall into an easy rhythm.

By the fourth level, they're a fluid team. Kara was eager to fly with Lee, had heard about his records and scores from Zak, but she had no idea it would be like this. He's better than anyone she's ever flown with. In barely an hour they've learned to anticipate each others' movements, to trust each others' skills.

She catches sight of a hidden raider patrol and spits out his name, flipping her Viper end over end to be less of a target and then exploding through the cluster just as Lee comes at it from the opposite direction. They spiral around each other, back to back, wiping out the cylon force.

Her heart is racing as Kara proudly takes in the devastation they've wrought. Neither of them has taken a single hit.

"Starbuck," Lee says softly over the comm, full of awe.

It sends a shiver through her. Now he really knows her, the her she hasn't even had a chance to be in the time she's known Zak. And she knows him: where he hesitates, where he attacks, the way he listens to her even in the heat of battle. She didn't compare him to his brother last night, but she can't help it now. Zak will never be able to do this.

"Apollo," she answers, equally intense. It's as much an introduction as their handshake the night they met.

Level five starts to load up, further than any of her cadet teams have made it this semester, but Lee's voice growls in her ear first. "Enough."

Kara hears the hunger in his tone and shivers in a different way. "Yes, sir," she murmurs back huskily, reaching to turn off the controls. The aggression of the last hour is rapidly shifting to arousal. She hears Lee groan with impatience just before the comm system shuts down, and feels her body respond. As she unbuckles herself from the simulator, Kara's hands are impatient too, and she flips open the canopy, eyes already searching out Lee.

What she finds stops her cold. Kara wills her face not to respond as she takes in the room, full of returned cadets still in their flight suits and cheering at the screen that's been displaying her flight with Lee.

Zak is standing just between the two simulators they've been using, glancing back and forth between his brother and his girlfriend, grinning wildly. "You guys are incredible!" he shouts up to them.

Kara swallows hard and turns away as she slips down the ladder, forcing herself not to look at Lee in a way that will betray them to Zak. Gods, she's barely thought about him since he left yesterday evening.

As she reaches the ground, Zak glances over at his classmates, who are milling around as they head toward one of the lecture halls for the debrief on their overnight op. Once they're not paying attention, he hugs Kara quickly, then reaches over to greet Lee in turn, clapping him on the back. "That was amazing."

"Thanks," Kara mutters, moving to the computer to shut it down.

"We have our debrief, then are you guys up for lunch?"

She tries not to stiffen, hears Lee answer.

"Yeah. We should get cleaned up, but find us when you're done."

"Sure, man." Zak takes off after his classmates, leaving them alone.

Kara walks the other way without turning to see if Lee is following. "Come on. We really should hit the showers." She leads him toward the head and enters, shrugging quickly out of the BDUs she threw on for the flight. Behind her Kara hears Lee lock the door.

She can feel his presence, his eyes on her. But all she can think about is Socrata. For as long as she can remember Kara's been fighting Socrata's truth: that Kara's no good, that no one could love someone so selfish, so wild and hurtful and irresponsible. Right now it's all true. Zak has been nothing but kind to her, and if he knew what she's done it would crush him.

"Kara," Lee says softly as she reaches out to turn on the shower.

She shakes her head, not ready to look at him.

He sighs softly. "Flying with you was amazing."

It comes over her again in a rush and she turns, already smiling at the memory. "Yeah." Lee is standing before her, naked, his hands reaching for her but hesitating. His face is full of conflict She understands. The reasons they shouldn't are right down the hall, but Kara has never felt this kind of need to be so close to a person, just this one. She steps toward Lee, wild with the memory of flying, and leans in to kiss him.

It's nothing like last night. That was about hunger and attraction and was satisfying to be sure, but this is much deeper. Lee's arms wrap around her as they kiss, slowly, intensely, like if they just get close enough they can really merge. Then the eagerness of their bodies takes over, reminding them that despite Zak's interruption they've been craving each other for hours.

As the heat builds between them, Lee pulls Kara with him into the shower enclosure, sits on the long bench and tugs her down to straddle his lap. He groans as she slides over him and Kara forces her eyes open. Lee stares back at her. She's startled by how much more intense sex is, just knowing it's with him. As he starts to move she gets lost in Lee's moans, the feel of him inside her, the awe in his eyes as he touches her. Somehow flying together has made them better at this, too; they seem to know just how to work against each other, to anticipate each other's responses. It's the most intimate thing she's ever felt.

When it's over, Kara pulls away, overwhelmed, her legs still trembling, and begins to shower.

"They'll be done soon," Lee says softly.

She nods, blinking furiously as she tries to understand why the thought makes her heart ache.

Lee's hands rest on her shoulders for a minute, then rise, taking over washing her hair. Kara leans into his touch. As he finishes, though, she darts away, twisting the shower-head to spray him. Lee laughs, and they play for a minute, then separate. Kara starts to relax. As they dry themselves off and redress, she looks back over at him. She has no idea what this all means.

A knock sounds just as Lee reaches to unlock the door, and they both jump. He unlocks it and opens it in one smooth motion, keeping whoever it is from realizing the it was dogged.

"Hey, guys," Zak says brightly, his hand still raised. "Lunch?"

Lee slides an arm around his shoulders, turning him down the hall. "How about you and me go catch up?" he suggests, even as his brother looks back at Kara.

"I'll see you later," she says softly to both of them. "Have fun." She pretends not to notice the way Lee doesn't want Zak to touch her. To be honest, she's too overwhelmed and confused for either of them right now.

As they leave, Zak waves to her and Kara smiles back, watches the Adama brothers head down the hall. And wonders which of them she's going to hurt worse.

* * *

><p>Please review!<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

**Prologue: Chapter 5**

* * *

><p><strong>Six Months Later<strong>

When Kara opens her eyes, he's watching her, and she frowns uncomfortably. "What are you doing?"

"Watching you sleep."

"You could have just woken me up." She eases against him.

Zak smiles at her, intent. "I love you even when you're sleeping." He sees the wonder in her eyes. "Even when you're drooling and snoring-"

She tickles him because touch is a language she knows better than love. And to make him stop.

He catches her hand, twirls his ring on her thumb. They both look at it for a moment, remembering. It's only been a week since they stood out on the balcony looking up at the stars, picking out the planets where they'd be posted someday, and he asked her quietly if she'd marry him. Be with him forever. Kara still feels the weight of it: the ring on her hand, the idea of having someone love her forever. Of course, she'd said. Of course she'd said yes.

"Are you sure you don't mind getting Lee?"

"Nope." She kisses him quickly. "But we'd better get up. You have class and I have taxi duty."

He grins as she climbs over him and out of bed, then catches her wrist at the last moment. "Don't tell him, okay?"

"You didn't already?" She tries to keep the tension out of her voice.

"I want to surprise him."

"Oh-Okay." She pulls away, slipping out of bed.

They move around the kitchen like a unit, Kara setting up the coffee maker while Zak scrambles eggs. Kara pauses a moment to watch the way his eyebrows draw together as he tries not to burn their breakfast, and she smiles. She wonders sometimes if her parents were ever like this, before they were married, before she was born: just peaceful with each other.

The coffee maker gurgles to a halt and Kara refocuses, fills her top-gun mug from the Academy and then the green one Zak uses, adds sugar and milk to Zak's the way he likes.

He takes the mug from her with a nod of thanks. Kara grins back with easy affection.

"I love you," he says with gratitude as he inhales the coffee's aroma.

Her breath still catches at the words, the feeling in his eyes. Kara's not sure she's capable of that kind of emotion, is fairly certain Socrata broke whatever inside her could have loved that fully. But they have the rest of their lives for Zak to fix her. "I love you, too," she says.

Zak's learned not to expect the words from her every time he says them, and now they catch him off guard. He turns on the full power of his smile and sets down his coffee so he can reach out and cup Kara's face with his hand.

She glances down. "Your eggs are burning," she says lightly.

Zak turns back to them, grimacing, and dumps the pan into the sink. "Oh well. We'll have to pick something up on the way in. Bagels?"

She shrugs. "Sure. I'm going to shower first." She jogs toward the bathroom; they'll have to rush now. But not too much. "Help me get cleaned up?" she calls over her shoulder. Her fiance laughs and follows her.

xxx 

After dropping Zak off, Kara drives her truck away from the Academy campus and into the main base where inter-planetary transports arrive. Because Zak invited him just for the weekend, Lee's flying into Delphi instead of Caprica City, where their mother lives. She takes slow breaths as she navigates the base. Nervousness is creeping up on her. It's been six months since she last saw Lee, and there are still moments when it's hard to put him from her mind. She trusts him not to tell Zak what happened, but she also has a twisting fear that he won't be glad when Zak tells him they're engaged. Kara parks and heads inside. One way or the other, this will all be over by tomorrow.

Kara's in her civvies and blends in with the group of husbands, wives and children waiting to greet the assorted pilots, marines and crewmen coming in off the transports. The tumult reminds her with sudden vividness of counting knees as she stood with her mother, waiting for her dad to get home. Counting to ten over and over because it was as high as she could go until suddenly she saw Dreilide and he swung her up into his arms. She's always loved airports.

And then Lee is there, walking toward her.

The way he smiles when he sees her calls out more joy than she knew she could feel. Kara starts toward him, meets him halfway. Lee reaches out for her and pulls her to him, hugging her tightly. She tells herself there's nothing wrong with a hug, clings to him, her lips smiling against his throat. The closeness is dizzying. She doesn't have time to think, let alone stop him before he's tilted her head back, is sealing his lips over hers.

She melts into the kiss. For a moment she knows: this is it. She's not sure what it is, but the recognition floods through her. Nothing else matters.

Reality returns abruptly. Kara staggers back, fighting the heat in her body. Her mouth hangs open for a moment, her jaw wavering as she tries to form words. "Zak and I are getting married."

She bites her lips together and stares furiously at Lee's knees for a moment, not wanting to see his reaction. Then he starts to move toward her again and her gaze flickers up to his. His mouth gapes as he tries to breathe, looking for all the worlds as if she's sucker punched him.

Kara clenches her jaw, shunting her emotions away from her face. "He wanted to tell you himself, so try to look surprised."

Lee still doesn't speak.

"Come on," she finally says with false exuberance, whirling without waiting for him. "You can have his bunk for the weekend."

She drives him there in silence. When she pulls to a stop in front of the building, Kara turns to him, her voice hesitant. "Lee-"

"Don't worry about it," he says stiffly.

She takes a deep breath, uncertain what to say to ease the moment.

"I'm sorry I kissed you."

She swallows hard, remembering the kiss. All his kisses.

"I knew you were with Zak, I shouldn't have done that."

Kara nods slowly, remembering how he is about should and shouldn't, especially when he's sober.

"I'll see you later, okay?" she offers. "Zak will come by here after class in a couple hours. His bunk is in 263."

"I'll act surprised," Lee promises, forcing a smile and then, when she grins, grinning back.

Kara holds his gaze too long, then breaks away abruptly. "See you, Lee."

"Bye."

xxx 

She's just finished dressing that evening when she hears a key turn in the lock, and Kara smooths the silk of her top quickly as she darts out of the bedroom.

Zak descends the stairs, smiling broadly. Lee enters behind him.

"Congratulations!" Lee says enthusiastically as they reach her and Zak leans in for a kiss.

"You look great," Zak murmurs in her ear.

Kara speaks over his shoulder to Lee. "Thanks!"

"You ready for the party?" Zak asks.

"Yup!" she proclaims, and leads them up the stairs, careful not to pass too close to the wrong brother.

In the car, Lee tries to make small talk. "So, you got official approval for your relationship?" he asks from the back seat.

Kara snorts. "Well, once we're married, we'll have it one way or the other."

Zak rests a hand on her shoulder, looks over his arm at Lee. "It's not technically against regs, since Kara's not my instructor this term, but we're keeping it quiet. It'll just be a few friends at the engagement party tonight. In a week I'll have taken my flight test, and in a month I'll graduate, and then we can shout it from the rooftops."

Lee doesn't miss the smile that flickers over Kara's face as she listens to the story.

"After all, can't have Starbuck here grounded longer than she can stand."

xxx 

Lee hangs back as they head into the bar, relieved that it isn't the one he and Kara went to the last time he was on Caprica. His brother leads the way to a recessed table in the back where a dozen or so people are already gathered. They're in a mix of uniforms and civilian clothes, but their musculature gives them all away as part of the Fleet. Lee can tell right away which are nuggets; he assumes the rest are pilots or mechanics from the base.

Zak makes introductions quickly while one of the nuggets brings over champagne. Kara's eyes light up at the gesture and Lee tries not to watch her too noticeably.

His younger brother takes the first glass and raps it with his knuckles. The group laughs as the champagne nearly spills.

"I'd like to make a toast," Zak declares, looking proudly at Kara. Everyone else takes their glasses and settles down. Lee leans against the wall, trying to be pleased for Zak.

He raises his glass. "I came to the Academy," Zak starts, "because it was what I was always supposed to do," he toasts to Lee for a moment, irony in his eyes. "And I was never sure about it like Lee, but now I'm so glad I did." He turns to Kara. "The first time I saw you, you were yelling obscenities at me." The group laughs; a few of the other cadets cheer. "But all I noticed was how beautiful you were. I never expected you'd turn out to be an amazing person, too, or that you'd even give me a chance." His eyes are alight as he stares into Kara's face and Lee looks at her now, sees how enthralled she is by Zak's words. "I love you so much, Kara," Zak finishes simply. "And I always will." The crowd explodes again as the couple kisses, Zak's hand closing over Kara's where her ring glimmers in the bar's dim lighting.

Lee closes his eyes after a moment. They're going to be married. It sinks in for the first time. She will always be Zak's.

As they separate, Zak arches an eyebrow at Kara. "Your turn."

Lee opens his eyes again at the words, just in time to catch the hesitation in Kara's face. But then she calms, nods at Zak, and lifts her own glass. She's blushing slightly, self-conscious.

Kara clears her throat. "When I was little," she starts, staring at her glass, then suddenly up at Lee, "my father probably said he loved me, but I don't really remember. And before my mom died, she and I-" She swallows hard. "We always had a hard relationship." Kara lets out a shaky breath. "And so when I met Zak I didn't have a family, never really had. But he gave me one." She turns toward him. "He was the first person to make me feel like I was loved, like I belonged with him, like together we were enough of a family. And I am so, so grateful for that."

Zak is mesmerized by her words, and Lee doesn't blame him. At the same time, he knows this speech is for him. This is why Kara didn't kiss him back this morning: his brother loves her.

"I love you," Kara finishes, turning slowly toward Lee. "And it's the best thing that's ever happened to me."

Lee's shoulders sag as he realizes that she's not exaggerating. Whatever she's alluding to with her parents, it was terrible. He thinks of his mother's drinking, his father's absence. At least he always knew they loved him. He watches as Zak hugs Kara close and their friends all drink in celebration. She does deserve to be happy. But it doesn't stop him from wanting her to be his.

The party picks up now that the toasts are over, and Lee chats with a couple of Raptor instructors who work with Kara. He tries not to watch her too closely but can't help noticing when she leaves Zak's side and heads down the hallway to the bathrooms. After a minute or two, he follows her.

Kara's already stepping out of the bathroom when he reaches her, and her faces seems to pale in the dimness. She stops a few feet from him and holds herself stiffly. "Hey, Lee," she says softly.

"I'm sorry," he says, the words coming out unexpectedly.

Her eyes grow wide in alarm.

Lee shakes his head as he realizes what she's thinking. "Don't worry, I didn't tell him anything. I meant-I'm sorry that your life was hard."

Kara looks at him warily and Lee flinches at how it must sound. He takes a step toward her, rests his hands on Kara's shoulders, doesn't miss the way her hands twitch as she resists raising them to touch him too. Then he catches her eyes, trying to say what he wants to say without screwing it up. "Just because he's the first person who's loved you doesn't mean he's the person you should spend the rest of your life with."

Kara jerks back, recoiling from his words, but doesn't pull away from his touch or his gaze. Her eyes are solemn as she shakes her head. "We're engaged," she says, but her tone is uncertain.

Lee's hand strokes her bare shoulder as he watches Kara's teeth sink into her lower lip and wants to kiss the tension away. "I love him too," he says, his voice strained. "But you and I-"

"Hey, guys!" Zak's voice calls from behind him.

Kara's eyes dart over Lee's shoulder.

Zak stops beside them, his eyes narrowing at the the tension in Kara's face and the power in Lee's stance.

Lee pulls away from her quickly.

"What's going on?"

He tries to shrug off the question. "I was just offering my congratulations."

"He was trying to find out about my frakked family life," Kara cuts into his too-obvious lie. "Don't worry, I've assured him I don't plan to bring any of my old baggage into our marriage." Her eyes hold Lee's, apology lurking in their depths.

Zak grins at her in response and takes the hand Kara extends, pulling her back toward the party.

As she passes him, Kara's arm brushes Lee's. He thinks about grabbing her free hand, but doesn't. Instead he just turns and watches them return to their friends, hands still joined.

After a minute Lee goes back into the bar, but not to their group. He heads instead for the long counter where there are plenty of girls and drinks to distract him from Kara. Time stretches before him and Lee is suddenly outraged, angry at the knowledge that the rest of his life will be spent jealous of his younger brother, constantly orbiting the one woman he can't have, always hoping-as he hopes even now-that she'll change her mind.


	6. Chapter 6

**Prologue: Chapter 6**

* * *

><p>Kara and Lee stare at Zak.<p>

"What? I thought you'd want to for sure!" he adds. As he stands crestfallen in the middle of the quad outside the mess hall, Zak looks almost child-like.

Kara shrugs, shaking off her initial reaction. "Don't you want to hang out with your brother while he's here? Flying is hardly a way of really spending time together."

Zak frowns at her, puzzled. "My flight test is in five days, so the more practice I can get in, the better. Plus, it's basically his favorite thing. And yours, too, don't you want to go?"

She forces a smile. "Sure, if you want to, babe!" She refuses to look at Lee as her heart sinks. Vipers are the one place Lee will always outshine his brother. And the place she'll always feel closest to him. As their last flight together comes to mind, Kara smiles more genuinely. In spite of everything, she's elated at the idea of really flying with him.

"Let's go, then!" Lee says, clapping Zak on the back. He darts a look at Kara. "You can get us clearance, Starbuck?"

"She can do pretty much anything," Zak assures him.

Kara grins at his confidence. "We'll steal them if we have to," she promises Lee, and strides off, the Adama brothers in tow.

It's only a matter of signing out the birds in the end, and half an hour later Kara and Lee are talking Zak through his basic maneuvers, arguing loudly over the comm about the best sequence of thrusters for a barrel roll.

"Leave me alone!" Zak finally snaps. "I don't need two back-seat pilots to fly in a straight line."

The comm chatter ceases for a moment.

"Sorry," Zak finally mutters. "Atmosphere is still tricky for me. Let's just get above the clouds, okay?"

"Race you to the stars!" Kara challenges. With a flip and a burst of thruster power, she takes off. Lee's after her in a moment. She sees on her Viper's dradis that Zak is still back practicing and grins. He was just trying to get rid of them. She bears down on the controls, shooting out of the atmosphere and stopping short, waiting for Lee.

He catches up a moment later and cruises slowly. Kara pulls right alongside him and cackles when he jerks in surprise at seeing her so close.

"That could be dangerous you know," Lee warns snidely.

"Oh Apollo," she scolds. "Just trust me."

He rolls his eyes at her.

Kara slows to a standstill and looks up at the black of deep space. With the planet behind them they could be anywhere.

"Makes you feel small, doesn't it?" Lee asks over the short wave.

Kara doesn't ask why he isn't using the comm frequency they share with Zak. "Don't worry, Lee, you're normal," she teases.

He swings his Viper toward her and Kara squeals as he narrowly misses side-swiping her. "Hey!" she protests.

"I mean it," Lee insists. He pauses. "I know you believe, Kara, but I wasn't raised like that. To me that's just mostly nothingness out there."

She's quiet a moment. "There are some frakking amazing things, too, if you look hard enough."

"So what do you do when you find one of them?"

Kara turns in her cockpit and stares into his eyes, through two helmets, two windshields and a dozen feet of vacuum. She can hear her pulse pounding in her ears.

"Caught you!" Zak's voice bursts through the comm as he rises through the clouds to join them.

"You always were a little slower than the rest," Lee tosses off, switching back to their common channel.

Zak laughs, then has to refocus as his Viper starts to drift sideways.

"Watch it!" Lee snaps.

"Pull up!" Kara chimes in.

Zak snorts. "Alright, on that note, let's head back."

Kara mutters something about being right, then lets out a whoop. "Come on, Lee, lets show this nugget how to Dragonfly!"

"You said we couldn't try that-" Zak gets in, and then they're gone.

Kara dives through the clouds, Lee close on her tail as she swerves. They quickly begin the rapid spiral around one another.

"You do look like mating flies," Zak says from somewhere far away.

Lee takes the lead and she follows now, momentum carrying them closer and closer to the ground. She's never trusted anyone else to lead this maneuver, but they're so in sync Kara has no qualms today. In the same instant they pull up, just slowly enough to avoid their harnesses bruising too badly. Kara cheers, giddy, and hears Lee's rough breathing over the comm.

They land and check in their birds, then watch, trying not to flinch, as Zak sets down. Lee darts wary eyes at Kara.

"Is he going to be ready by Friday?"

She suppresses a wince. "I'm sure he'll do fine."

By the time Zak joins them, Lee and Kara have stripped off their flight suits and are down to their tanks and shorts.

"How about a shower?" Zak asks he unzips and stretches his neck, glad to be free of the helmet. "The Flight Training Center's just there," he gestures for Lee's benefit.

Kara takes a step backward, straight into Lee. His hand automatically finds the small of her back to steady her, and heat lances through her. "No," she says quickly. Gods, he's still touching her.

"Huh?" Zak stops with one arm out of his suit.

"It's a hot day," she spits out. "We'll only be sweaty and gross again by the time we make it home."

Zak shrugs. "Okay."

Kara turns to leave the landing field and she's right in Lee's space. She meets his eyes for a moment, then brushes past him, trying to remember that she's made her choice.

"Hey, wait up!" Zak calls, dropping his flight suit and grabbing his backpack from where he left it. He darts after Kara and Lee, swinging an arm around each of their shoulders as they head back toward the main quad.

Another cadet waves to them and Zak grins. "Balderdash!" he shouts to the nugget, "Come here."

Kara frowns in question and Zak reaches into his bag, pulling out his camera.

"Get a picture!" he calls to his friend as Balderdash jogs over to them.

The other cadet grins and tosses his pyramid ball to Lee as he takes the camera. "Okay, smile," he mutters.

Zak pulls Kara against him, then waves to Lee on her other side. "Lee, put your arm around us," he urges.

"No," Kara interrupts. "You're mine." She turns into Zak, smiling at him, ignoring Lee's presence as best she can.

"Done," Balderdash announces, holding out the camera to Zak.

"Thanks," he says with a grin.

Kara bites her lips together and darts a glance at Lee as Zak puts the camera away. He's staring at the ground and her heart clenches in her chest. Gods, she wishes she knew what she was doing.

xxx

They spend the afternoon apart, all of them resting to recover from the party last night. At five they pile into Kara's truck to head up to Caprica City. Kara has found a dress to wear and Lee tries not to stare as openly as Zak does.

The car ride passes mildly enough; Kara blasts the radio and she and Zak belt out the hit songs Lee's missed since he's been posted away.

When they arrive, though, Kara's different: subdued, ingratiating. She smiles politely and shakes Carolanne Adama's hand, blushes when the woman welcomes her inside. Lee watches her carefully as dinner goes on. His mother finds a dozen ways to criticize Lee and the Fleet, complains and complains about Bill's absence. Lee sees Kara's eyes go wide when Carolanne pours her fourth drink in their presence.

"Would you like me to clear?" Kara asks softly when they've all finished eating. She reaches for the platter of leftover potatoes.

"Don't touch that!" Carolanne snaps. Not loudly, not for her, Lee knows, but enough that Kara flinches in a way that Lee has never seen before. For a moment he waits, expecting Kara to snap back the way Starbuck always does at senior officers in the stories she and Zak tell. That's not what happens.

"Excuse me." Kara darts up from the table and out of the room.

Carolanne looks to Zak, who shrugs.

Lee glares at them both.

"Zak, clear sweetie," Carolanne instructs, and he rises to do so, glancing down the hall after Kara and then shrugging again to Lee.

Lee stands, shaking his head, and follows Kara.

She's not in the bathroom, or in Zak's room. Lee crosses into his own so he can check out the front window that her truck isn't gone. And there she is, turned away from him, her arms wrapped tightly around herself.

"You okay?" he asks from the doorway.

Kara nods once and he waits for her to turn. When she finally does, her face is composed, but a tremor still pulls at her jaw.

"Not what you were expecting?"

She sighs. "Zak loves her so much," she says hoarsely. "And your dad, too. I thought..." Shame creeps into her voice at her own stupidity. "I thought I'd be part of a real family."

Lee takes two steps toward her. "Zak never saw a lot of it. She's always been a drinker when she's stressed, and with dad away she was stressed a lot. Part of being the oldest-it was always my job to protect him."

"I wish I'd had someone like that," she murmurs, more to herself than to him.

Lee waits for her to meet his eyes. His gaze asks all the questions.

"My dad left," she says quickly. "My mom..." She clutches her hands together, purses her lips tightly against the words. "Believed in discipline," she summarizes, "and I was hardly a well-behaved child."

He's suddenly glad her mother's dead.

Lee reaches out and wraps his arms around her, holds her tightly. "Zak will be good to you," he says softly. "He loves you."

"I know," she whispers, her arms sliding around his waist.

"You should talk to him about this," Lee adds, his throat aching with the words.

Kara nods against his shoulder.

Lee starts to pull away.

"Can-?" She can't even force the rest of the question out, but clings to him until his arms are tight around her again. As she rests against him, the tension in Kara's body slowly eases.

Lee takes a deep breath and draws in the scent of Kara's hair. Suddenly he can't suppress any longer the memory of this woman writhing with pleasure beneath him. And then she shifts and her lips flutter against his neck and it's too much, and he's got her wrists in his hands, is holding her at arms length even as her mouth falls open in surprise.

"Kara," he says softly, shaking his head. His eyes are dark and stern.

She nods, her gaze dropping as he finally lets her go. "We should go back."

"Yeah."

The door swings open just then, and Zak steps in. "There you are." There's just a hint of tension in his voice and Kara turns, apologetic and sweet.

"Hey! Sorry, I was having a mom moment and Lee talked me down."

"You okay?" Now he's just concerned.

"Yeah." She shakes her head, shrugging. "I'll tell you all about it when we get home, okay?"

"Sure. Come on."

xxx

But when he asks her that night, Kara goes cold.

"What upset you?" Zak presses.

She tries to shrug it off. "I just didn't expect...I don't know. I don't know what I expected, Zak. Since my mom died...it caught me off guard remembering what it was like to be around a mom." It's not totally a lie, she tells herself. Somehow telling Zak about her mother is terrifying. How could anyone want her if they knew the truth?

"You miss her?" he presses gently. "What was she like?"

Kara flinches, looks away. "I...I don't want to talk about it right now, Zak."

He's quiet for too long, until she glances back at him.

"Why could you tell Lee and not me?" Zak asks quietly, seriously.

Kara shakes her head quickly. "He was just there, Zak...if it had been you..."

"Okay," he cuts in as she trails off.

She's suddenly nervous. Did he see them hug? Does he sense something?

"Let's go to bed," Zak says tiredly, waving the way toward the bedroom. "It's a bad week to be sleep deprived."

"Sure," Kara answers gratefully. "Don't forget to set the alarm. We have to get Lee back to the airport by 0700."

"Right." His words are clipped again, but when Kara looks at him, Zak smiles, and they curl up in bed without further comment.

xxx

She's fought this need for two days but finally they're here. His kisses are flooding her with heat and he's pinning her down, taking what they both need, frakking her frantically, urgently. She falls apart like a Viper shooting through the clouds.

Kara sits up straight in bed, gasping in the darkness, trembling as she blinks away the image of Lee, the sensation of his touch. Somewhere in there she was flying beside him, not in a Viper but actually flying, and it feels so real it takes her a moment to separate it from memory.

"Kara?" Zak murmurs beside her. "What's wrong?"

"Hmm?" She tries to slow her breathing.

"You were yelling about Lee."

Kara feels herself flush. "I was dreaming about us flying this morning. But this time his Viper crashed," she lies quickly.

He laughs. "Don't worry, that'll never happen. Come here." Zak pulls her down, wrapping an arm around her waist, and she lets him. But it takes Kara a long time to fall back asleep.

xxx

Zak and Kara are quieter than usual as they get up the next morning. She yawns repeatedly as she drives them toward the barracks where Lee's been staying, and Zak reaches over to rub her shoulder. Kara smiles back gratefully.

They pick up Lee without any fuss, and at the airport Kara rounds the truck to unlock the back and get Lee's bag out.

"Guess what?" Zak says jokingly to Lee.

Kara freezes.

"Kara had a nightmare last night that your plane crashed. Don't worry, I told her you're too good a pilot for that." He flashes a grin at both of them, then pulls out his wallet. "Wait for me," he says and goes to pay the parking meter.

As Zak leaves, Lee turns to Kara with raised eyebrows.

"I called our your name," she says, throwing it out defiantly, daring him to make something of it.

Lee just stares at her, and gods help her, she blushes. All the way down to her breasts. And Lee's eyes darken until he has to close them because all either of them can think of is frakking right there against the truck.

Zak returns a moment later. "It's out of order. I'll walk him in if you want to wait here?" he says to Kara.

She nods swiftly. "Sure."

Zak grabs Lee's bag and waits.

"Bye, Lee," Kara says, raising a hand in a wave before he can hug her.

He nods once. "Welcome to the family," he says, his tone a little too harsh, and leaves with his brother.

Kara climbs back into the truck, resting her forehead against the top of the steering wheel. The rest of her life suddenly seems like an awfully long time.


	7. Chapter 7

**Prologue: Chapter 7**

* * *

><p>Starbuck tries not to fidget as Major Marshall goes over the parameters for the Basic Flight evaluations. If he had more of a sense of humor, or less, she'd point out that it's been less than two years since she took the damn test herself, but he's a singularly colorless man, never letting her bait him. She glances around at the other Viper instructors, but they're all considerably older and seem to be paying attention. Pearson, who is proud to have trained Starbuck himself not so long ago, gives her a brief reproving look when she catches his eye.<p>

"So here are your assignments," Marshall finally says, beginning to distribute a stack of papers. "The cadets were randomized, so you'll have taught some of them and not others. Remember," he pauses, "Our Fleet is in your hands. Dismissed."

Kara doesn't stand with the others. There he is on her sheet, right after Melody Abrams: Zakary Adama. She clenches the page as she looks quickly at Marshall, weighing the options. If he finds out about their engagement after she's done Zak's eval, there might be consequences. But if she comes out about it now there will definitely be trouble.

Marshall raises an eyebrow at her from the entrance of the room as the other instructors trickle out. "Problem, Thrace?"

"No, sir," she answers, and swallows hard. There's really no reason it should be.

The others are already halfway to the landing field, and Starbuck jogs to catch up but doesn't join in their chatter. When the six of them reach the field the cadets salute sharply. Marshall begins to shout, giving an address about skill and service that she tunes out altogether. Instead her eyes search out Zak's. He's focused on the Major, just like he should be. She nods to herself. There's no reason to think he won't pass.

And then Marshall's done and each of the instructors call out their list of pilots. Zak's eyes widen a touch when she says his name, but he simply nods.

Starbuck's first eval candidate, Abrams, is practically shaking as she approaches her Viper, but she does the pre-flight check-list without a hitch and seems to settle down. Starbuck climbs in her own bird and they're quickly above the clouds. Abrams runs through the sequence of maneuvers efficiently.

"Watch it!" Starbuck barks as Abrams' wing jerks in a sudden gust of wind and the woman overcompensates.

"Sorry, sir," Abrams says quickly, adjusting.

Starbuck nods to herself. That's one point down out of the ten on the eval. Below an eight is failing. But Abrams makes it back to the ground and through the check-out without further error, and Kara gives her a brief nod of approval as she sends her off.

Next is Zak, and he grins privately at Kara as he plucks the pre-flight clipboard from her hands.

"Did Melly do alright?" he asks as he does a quick check of the fuselage, then the tylium levels.

"I can't talk about that yet," Starbuck says tightly, glancing across the field to where the Major is supervising.

Zak glances up. "Okay, sure."

She narrows her eyes. He still hasn't checked the coolant, and the Vipers are sometimes deliberately mis-prepped to keep the cadets on their toes. "Don't forget-" she starts, and then stops herself. Kara bites her lip. Would she have told Abrams?

Zak looks up at her, waiting. Then he reads over the clipboard again, muttering the list out loud. "Oh, coolant!" he finally says, and ducks down to check.

Starbuck is still pursing her lips in sudden nervousness. He might have caught it on his own. She doesn't have to take a point off yet, does she? And anyway, if he only gets a nine, that's still fine. She swallows hard.

"Ready?" Zak asks, grinning at her.

"Always." She watches him climb up into the Viper, then turns to her own.

Zak makes it off the ground with no problem, and Kara's just glad to have one point assured. He makes it through the first handful of maneuvers without a flaw, too, and she starts to relax. She grins as she imagines what Lee would say: it proves she's a good instructor if she could get Zak to pass.

And just like that, things go wrong.

"Executing port barrel roll," Zak says, but instead of tipping left, he tips right, and Starbuck darts away only seconds before their wings collide. "Sorry!" he cries out.

She looks over at him, sees how wide his eyes are. "Be careful," she growls. He flinches and her heart lurches. Tension is building in the pit of her stomach. She might have to fail him. Zak is different than her, different than Lee. He's never been damaged the way they are. How can she be the one to crush him? She already nearly did once. "Head for home," she finally says into the comm. "Run through the port barrel roll again on the way."

He does, and this time it's good enough. He's got two more points to earn-landing and check-out-and as long as they go well it won't matter that he's missed two. Kara sends up a quick prayer.

Zak hits the ground so hard there are sparks. Pilots and instructors all over the landing field turn to look.

Kara sets down beside him, catches Marshall's concerned glance as she gets out and watches Zak complete his check-out. He keeps his head down, not meeting her eyes. Finally he's finished.

"I'll be in my bunk," he says softly, already so disappointed Kara aches for him.

"Don't worry," she promises him, trying to smile. She wants to give him a hug, but can't. "I'll see you later," she murmurs.

Zak nods and heads off.

"Lieutenant Thrace?" Major Marshall says from behind her.

Kara twirls. "Sir?"

"That was Adama's son?"

She nods once. "Yes, sir."

He frowns at Zak's receding form. "What was his score?"

She opens her mouth. Does the check-in count? It's a split second decision. "Eight," she announces firmly. "He rolled the wrong direction, and you saw his landing, but everything else was fine."

Marshall glances back to her. "Good." He gestures to the next nugget waiting for her. "Round three."

Kara nods, breathing again once he walks away. Then she starts to smile. He passed. "Cordova!" she shouts. "Let's go!"

xxx

It takes two hours to get through the rest of the pilots she's evaluating. Only two of them fail outright, and to Kara's relief they're not from her squadron. As she turns in her write-ups with the other instructors, Crawley even claps her on the back and tells her he's impressed with her bunch, that all of her nuggets that he tested got tens. Kara walks away grinning.

Most of the nuggets have gathered on the main quad to celebrate their completion of the test, whether they've passed or not. It takes no more than a glance for Kara to see that Zak isn't with them. A few look at her askance, and she remembers that they saw Zak's landing, but she smiles and shrugs and moves on.

He's in his bunk like he said he'd be, and Kara locks the door as she enters.

Zak's laying on his back in bed, reading something.

"What's up?" Kara asks lightly, sitting beside him and pulling off her boots.

He frowns at the paper. "My dad wrote back."

She grins. "I can't believe you guys still send letters."

Zak smiles sheepishly. "Hey, he's a traditionalist. Anyway, he's coming. For graduation." Now he looks nervously at Kara. "Assuming I'm graduating."

She gives him her most sultry look. "Oh, you're graduating."

"What?" His face lights up and he grabs her arm. "Really?"

Kara laughs. "I'm a better instructor than you give me credit for, it turns out. And you didn't mess up so bad." She snatches the letter out of his hand lets it drift to the ground as she pounces on Zak, kissing him hard.

He fumbles with her tanks, then glances away toward the door.

"I locked it," Kara mumbles, pulling at Zak's clothes in turn.

"Good." He flips her over as she squeals, and smiles down at her.

Kara pulls her bra off and flings it to the floor. "What?" she asks when she sees Zak watching her.

His eyes are soft. "My father's coming. So he can meet you, mostly. Because you're going to be my wife." Zak shakes his head. "It just got real all of a sudden."

Kara's face falters. "Do you still want to?"

"Yes." He's beatific in his surety. Zak lies down against her, running a finger around Kara's lips, tracing the curve of her ear. She squirms, trying to get her pants off, until Zak finally grabs her hand to still her and kisses each fingertip. "I love you, Kara Thrace." And for once she lets him make love to her as slowly and completely as he wants.

Afterward, Kara slips out of bed, gathering her scattered clothes as Zak follows her with his eyes. She bends down to pick up her underwear and comes up staring at the picture in Zak's locker, the picture from last weekend. The look in Lee's eyes catches her off guard and she remembers with a sharp twinge the moment before, the way she'd fought back the desire to have Lee's arm around her. Her husband's brother. Gods.

"I sent Dad a copy, too," Zak says from his bed. "It came out well, don't you think?"

"Mmm." She tears her eyes away.

Zak looks at her nervously as she turns to him. "I want you to tell me the truth about something."

For a moment she thinks he's talking about Lee and her heart leaps into her throat. But then she sees the nature of his concern in his eyes and knows she's just projecting. "You passed," she says firmly. "By the skin of your teeth, but you passed."

She assures him until she thinks he believes her, and then, as if it proves her point, she kisses him again. Because how could she love anyone who couldn't fly?

* * *

><p><em>Thoughtsfeelings/opinions?_


	8. Chapter 8

**Prologue: Chapter 8**

Though I assume you all knew it was coming, just a word of warning: character death in this chapter.

* * *

><p>Ten days later, a Colonel she doesn't know steps in to interrupt Kara just as she's dismissing this semester's batch of nuggets from the sims.<p>

"Lieutenant Thrace?"

"Yes, sir?"

"I need to speak to you." He waits until the cadets are cleared out, then speaks brusquely. "I'm afraid one of the pilots from your fall cohort has had a crash, has died. I've ordered the whole squadron gathered for the news. I'd like to you to come talk to them since they know you."

She nods, fighting the cold sinking through her. She listens in silence as they move through the corridors, unable to voice the question.

"It's always unfortunate to lose one so early. It can undermine morale tremendously, make the others doubt their own abilities or worry too much about freak accidents. Though this seems to have been pilot error."

They've reached the assembly room when Kara finally finds her voice. "Who?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Who was it?"

"Oh." He glances down at a sheet of paper, something she'll hate him for later when she remembers this moment. "Zakary Adama." He turns and heads into the room, misses the tremble in Kara's jaw as the future dissolves around her.

"Lieutenant?"

She follows him in, up to the front of the room.

Firefly, one of the nuggets from Zak's barracks who came to their engagement party, sees Kara's face and looks suddenly terrified. She looks away quickly, taking a deep breath and slipping into the Starbuck these nuggets are used to.

"Settle down!" she commands the rowdy students, her voice cracking across the room like a whip. Instantly, now, they fall in.

"You may notice one of you is missing. Turns out natural selection is already at work thinning out the weakest among you."

Worried murmurs susurrate through the crowd as Kara falters.

"Earlier today, Zak Adama crashed his Viper."

Words fail everyone; only scattered gasps echo.

She can feel the weight of eyes on her, especially the few students who knew about her relationship with Zak. She avoids them.

"You've lost a friend," she carries on. "Mourn. But don't forget that you're officers. Don't let it get in the way of doing your jobs or you'll be dead, too."

She leads them in a prayer then, for Zak's soul. And if her voice falters, at least she doesn't cry. She doesn't let the meaning of the words reach her.

When Starbuck stops speaking, the Colonel nods approval and signals her to lead the way out. She moves quickly, before any of her students can stop her.

"Is that all?" she asks in the hall.

He nods. "Dismissed." He leaves.

Kara stands a moment, unsure what to do, then turns and walks the other way. She feels strange, at once full of disbelief that Zak is dead and of certainty that she could never have had the future they planned.

Her mind numb, Starbuck strides quickly through the training complex and into the hangar bay. The regular maintenance crew might have heard or might not, but no one stops her as she strips off her jacket and slides under one of the Vipers down for repairs. It's a complicated problem, a wiring issue that someone else has attempted to fix without success already. Starbuck is glad. It absorbs her for hours.

Off in the distance, there are voices that mean nothing to her.

"It was a bad landing," one of the knuckledraggers says.

"I heard something about low fluid levels?" someone else asks.

"Yeah, he had to do an emergency landing and something exploded."

There are other voices, hushed. A woman's sobs.

She just needs to get this circuit to work again.

"Hey." Someone kicks her boot a while after the noise has died down and the bay is mostly empty for the night. "You heading out, Starbuck?"

It's Briggs, who knows about their relationship. She forces her mind to go blank again before she can follow that thought to its conclusion. "Nope," she mutters. Then, "Frak!" as she nearly breaks the coolant line with her pliers. To her relief, Briggs goes away.

A long time later, the overhead lights shut off, leaving only the emergency signs glowing in the dimness. Kara swears again, then slides out from under the bird. Her body is fiercely stiff and she's suddenly exhausted. She stumbles out of the hangar bay and into the walkway back to the FTC. She can't go home, doesn't want to remember why not.

There's a couch in the instructors' shared office, and Kara staggers in, lies down. She falls abruptly asleep.

xxx 

There's a stale taste in her mouth when she wakes, and light is streaming in through the window.

"Thrace," says someone standing over her. His voice is loud. It's what woke her, she thinks.

Kara blinks bleary eyes.

Pearson sighs. "I heard about Cadet Adama. It's the hardest thing we face as instructors. Captain Graham and I-we'll cover your classes today. You should go home."

Somewhere inside her something is collapsing. She closes her eyes.

"I'll see you later then," Pearson finally says, and leaves.

Sleep won't come back, and knowledge is lurking, waiting to catch her. Kara's stomach growls. It occurs to her that she hasn't eaten since lunch yesterday. She swings her legs over the side of the couch and stands, mechanically straightens her clothes and running her fingers through her hair. Food. Okay. She can handle that.

But when she opens the door to the hall, two people sitting on the floor leap to their feet.

"Starbuck!" Firefly bursts out, then stops. Her eyes are red-rimmed and her uniform is unkempt.

Kara shakes her head, starts to leave.

"Here, sir," Balderdash says quickly. He's holding out a paper bag.

She stares at him, waiting for an explanation.

"It's Zak's things," Firefly cuts in. "The Major said they would send someone to clean out his bunk...we just thought...some of this stuff is yours, I think. Or you might want it."

Kara looks away, studies the floor. Hexagonal tiles, gray and blue, stretching off to the wall.

Balderdash looks into her face with a kind of understanding she can't think about. "We'll find you later," he says softly.

She nods once, dismissing them. Firefly seems to be waiting for something, but Balderdash puts his arm around her shoulders and leads her away.

Kara makes her way to the mess hall, which fortunately is cleared out now that classes have started. She drinks a cup of coffee and eats a banana without sitting down, without tasting them.

As she wanders out again, Kara thinks for a moment of going to teach her class. It's just a day, like any other. And then she's blindsided by the thought that no one should trust her to be an instructor ever again. Kara stands gasping in the middle of the quad, struggling for breath. Then she pushes on, determined to work, heading for the landing field. There has to be something she can do.

For four hours, Kara does pre-flight maintenance checks on the birds the cadets are taking out. Not her students, no one she knows well. They seem to be murmuring to each other, but stop when she turns to look. She doesn't care.

Then there's a man striding across the field toward her. She tries to turn away, but he calls out.

"Are you Lieutenant Thrace?"

She recognizes Bill Adama from pictures. She greets him, makes small talk as best she can. At least she's making a better impression than she did with Carolanne, she thinks.

He presses her about the letter, about what Zak wanted to tell him.

"We were going to uh...you know what, it's not important. I don't want that to-" Kara begs.

"You were engaged, right?."

It's like a Viper exploding. Were. Something ruptures inside her, pulls loose. Kara clenches her teeth against a scream. "Yes," she gasps.

Commander Adama frowns slightly. "You know Zak asked me when he wrote if there was a place for both of you on Galactica?"

She nods.

"I was going to tell him yes, when I came to the ceremony. If you'd consider it, you should still join us. I'd...like to get to know you." For one second he looks at her and the pain in his eyes is as deep as hers.

"I'll think about it," Kara whispers.

He nods once, and turns, strides away.

Kara turns the other way and runs. Longer and farther than when her mother died even, runs and runs past the point of being breathless until she reaches their apartment. Her apartment. Their apartment.

Zak is dead. He was supposed to love her forever and he's dead. He was her whole family. She can't stop crying. She cries until she throws up. She finally collapses in their bed, and it smells like him, and she can't understand.

She prays for him, clutching her idols against her chest, remembering the way he always teased her about little metal dudes having power to change the world. She hopes, for his sake, that she's the one who's right.

At some point it grows dark outside and Kara washes her face and heads out, looking for a bar to make this stop. She's ten shots in before her cadets find her again. This time they make her take the bag of Zak's things, and when she nearly falls over a half dozen drinks later, they walk her home.

One thought keeps running through Kara's mind as she falls apart again, unbound by the alcohol: this is all her fault.


	9. Chapter 9

**Prologue: Chapter 9**

* * *

><p>Lee's been traveling for nearly thirty hours by the time he makes it to Delphi, and it's only then that he realizes he has nowhere to go. His mother doesn't know to pick him up, and Zak's not here anymore. Zak's dead.<p>

Right now he's too deep in grief to be governed by logic. He takes a bus across town to Kara's complex.

The door to her apartment is ajar, and Lee frowns. "Kara?" he calls out, stepping slowly inside. "Are you in there?" There's a noise from somewhere inside and he hesitates, then enters, closing the door behind him. "Kara?" he calls again as he descends.

The living room is empty, the kitchen area too. Lee pauses before peeking into Kara's bedroom. He closes his eyes a moment at what he sees there: Zak's clothes tossed on the floor, his guitar in the corner. As if his brother were coming back any minute.

Someone coughs in the bathroom, nearly choking, and Lee forces himself to walk through the bedroom to the open door.

Kara is slumped beside the toilet. Her forehead rests against the tank, and her clothes reek of booze and cigarettes and vomit.

Lee aches in sympathy. "Kara," he says, crouching and reaching out to touch her arm.

She sits up suddenly, hitting the back of her head on the sink and blinking away tears. For a moment she looks at Lee, then seems to recede into herself. "Did you need a place to stay?" she asks blankly.

He settles himself cross-legged on the floor. "I'm heading up to Caprica City. My mom..." Lee drops his eyes. "She was upset when I spoke to her earlier." She could barely speak, but he doesn't want to describe it. "You should come with me," he says impulsively, struck by the memory of her words from two weeks ago: she hasn't ever had anyone to take care of her, to protect her. Lee swallows hard. He doesn't know how to not be a big brother.

Kara blinks slowly and doesn't answer.

Lee stands, pulls a towel off the rack and begins to run it under water in the sink.

"No, that's-" Her voice cuts off. Lee stares down into her eyes for a moment, understanding, then hangs the towel back up, grabs the other.

He kneels to wipe off her face. "Come on," Lee says slowly. He's had a lot of practice at this. "Brush your teeth and we'll get you some water and different clothes and we'll head out." Kara nods, surprisingly obedient, and lets him help her.

He only slept in fits and starts on the way back from the Atlantia, but Kara's clearly in no shape to drive, so it's Lee who takes the wheel as they head north. She's so quiet he thinks she must be sleeping, but each time Lee looks over she's staring out the window. It's a cloudy night and there are no stars.

"This way," Lee whispers as he lets them into the house. He doesn't turn on the lights and Kara must be feeling better because she manages to follow him deftly enough through the dark house.

They take off their shoes and pad up the stairs.

"You can stay in his room," Lee murmurs. He hears Kara's breathing hitch, but she doesn't object. He reaches for the door, Zak's name still spelled out in block letters across the front. He's glad he's too tired to think anymore.

"Zak?" his mother gasps as he pushes the door open.

Lee freezes. "It's me," he forces out. "It's just Lee."

She sobs once. Lee squints and sees that she's curled up in Zak's bed. There are several bottles, mostly empty, on the night table. Carolanne lays back down.

After a moment he closes the door. He turns toward Kara, unable to read her face in the darkness. "Here," he says softly, crossing the hall to his own name in blocks and flipping on the lights in his room. They both blink in shock.

When he turns toward Kara, Lee finds her smiling faintly, looking up at the model Viper suspended from the ceiling.

"We were always supposed to be Viper pilots," he mutters with more than a little anger.

Kara looks at him guilelessly. "What else would you want to be, Lee?"

She seems so fragile that he doesn't answer the question, just nods. He opens a drawer, pulls out an old pair of draw-string sweatpants and a War College t-shirt. "Here," he tells her, "you can wear these to sleep in."

"In here?" she asks.

Lee shrugs. "I'll take the couch downstairs." They stand awkwardly, then Lee steps toward the door. "I'll go get you some water while you change," he says. When Kara nods, he grabs another set of sleepwear for himself and leaves. He throws on the other clothes in the darkness of the living room. Even knowing his mother is past consciousness, he doesn't turn the lights on, can't face Zak smiling at him from picture frames on every wall.

He does have to turn on lights in the kitchen; his mother's break-down is evident in the shards of glass in the sink, the cabinets and refrigerator that have been left ajar. Lee closes what he can and fills two unbroken glasses with tap water.

Back upstairs, he stops quietly outside Zak's room. He doesn't want to make her hope again. But when he opens the door this time, Carolanne doesn't stir. Lee sets a glass on the nightstand and moves the liquor bottles out of her reach before taking the second water back to Kara.

His room is dark now, too, but in the moonlight filtering in through the window, Lee can see Kara sitting sideways across the narrow bed, leaning against the wall. He takes a seat on the edge and holds out her water.

Kara sips it slowly, then reaches up to put it on the dresser.

"Well..." Lee starts.

"It doesn't feel real," Kara interrupts. Her eyes dart to his after a second. "You know?"

Lee nods. "Yeah. I do."

"Mostly I feel like he's just away somewhere, like he'll come back-" Her voice breaks and she stops talking for a second. "It was different when my mom died. I hardly ever saw her and even then..." She trails off and picks up again on a different track. "He was so sure about our life together. That we'd make each other happy..."

Lee's eyes cloud with tears. "Once," he begins, sliding back to sit against the wall too, "when we were little boys, we broke a lamp in our grandfather's office. I think I was about eight, so he would have been six. We weren't even supposed to be in there, but I wanted to see his books and Zak wanted to see his model ships. And so Dad yelled at us, about how grandfathers were supposed to be respected and on and on." He closes his eyes, trying to get the rest of it out. "And when Zak and I were finally alone again, I said that we should have been more careful. And Zak said," he takes a deep breath. "Zak said it was okay, because someday we'd be the grandfathers..." Lee starts to raise his hand to wipe his eyes, but Kara grabs it, laces her fingers through his, holds on hard.

"He would have been a nice old man," she says, her voice wavering.

It's the would have been that's too much for either of them to handle, and they sit in silence, tears streaking both their cheeks.

"He would have been a good husband, too. A good father," Lee offers hoarsely.

She sighs, gasping for air. "I could hardly believe that either. He was the only one who ever saw me that way."

"What way?" he asks softly, wanting to tell her he sees how beautiful she is, how special.

She shrugs, the gesture brushing their shoulders together. "Whole," she whispers.

Lee nods. She's right; he's never thought worse of her, but he could always sense her broken places. "You really never had some boy love you before?" he asks, trying to lighten the mood, to tease. "They didn't trail after you in high school?"

She smiles faintly, glad for the distraction. "Oh, I frakked my share of boys on my pyramid team, once my mother made it clear she didn't want me to, but no. It was never about love."

Lee doesn't know what to say to that, and a draft in the room draws his eyes to the Viper hanging from the ceiling. "This is all my father's fault," he growls at it. "A man's not a man until he wears the wings of a Viper pilot. Zak would never have wanted to fly if he hadn't been trying to impress dad."

Kara doesn't answer.

After a minute, Lee yawns, and Kara quickly follows suit.

"I guess we should go to sleep," Lee murmurs, squeezing her hand.

"Could you stay?" Kara nearly whimpers.

He hesitates. "Sure." Lee slides off the bed, pulls back the covers and climbs in, shifting so he's pressed into the wall. Kara lies down beside him. It's hard to leave much space between them in the twin bed, and as she shifts she kicks him in the shin.

Lee snorts. "Come here." He turns her, gently, tucks her against him. Then he gets nervous. "Is this too much-in the dark, is it too much like Zak?"

Kara takes a deep breath, presses her face into his shoulder. "It's fine." She tightens her arms, clinging. Lee's glad she asked him to stay. This is the first real comfort anyone has offered him; no one on the Atlantia knew Zak. His chest clenches. Zak is the only person who's known him forever. All their shared secrets and stories and childhood traumas-the way Zak would always hide under this bed while they played hide-and-seek-he has to remember them alone now. His tears start to fall again and Kara reaches up, strokes her fingers through his hair as his body shakes with sobs.

Eventually they sleep.

The sun on her face wakes Kara as the sky lightens. She is gradually aware of Lee's arm warm and strong around her, of her body's drowsy arousal. Kara tilts her head and smiles crookedly when she sees Lee's sleeping face. She presses up on an elbow to watch him. The line between his brows is smoothed out now; his lashes are long and dark on his cheeks. There are faint tracks on his cheeks where his tears left salt behind, and she has to stop herself from wiping them away. She studies him carefully, wants to memorize him like this, just in case.

I love you even when you're sleeping, Zak whispers in her memory.

Kara closes her eyes as shame burns through her. The way she feels right now-it's the thing in Zak's eyes that she never understood. But this is Lee.

She swallows back a gasp and eases Lee's arm off of her, slips out of bed. It's chilly outside the covers as Kara tiptoes to the door. She turns back for a moment, fighting the instinct to curl back into the warmth of the bed, then thinks of Zak, and runs.

There are pictures of Zak and Lee everywhere downstairs, and Kara tries not to panic, finally slides open the side door and sits down on a chair on the patio, wrapping her arms around herself. The sadness is filling her again, blurring her thoughts. She can't believe she woke up happy to be in Lee's arms. Zak doesn't deserve that.

There are so many things she loved about Zak. He could sit and watch her paint for hours, knew just how to make her laugh. Sometimes he'd sit in the back row of her lectures and make faces, try to crack her up. Once in a while he'd succeed. There are tears on her cheeks now. Not the wrenching sobs, the agony, of the past two days, but the painful reminder of her new reality.

She remembers the first time he said he loved her. She was sick and he brought over movies and soup and coddled her. Zak let her pick the movie and she'd instantly thrown aside his romantic choices in favor of a horror movie she'd already seen a dozen times. And Zak had laughed in delight, and proclaimed his love. It was all so new, made her feel so safe and cared for. She thinks of him telling her he wanted her to be his wife. Of them laughing together, sleeping together. Kara closes her eyes.

Impinging on their relationship, even in memory, is Lee. If Zak is dead, Kara can tell herself the truth: the way Zak always looked at her is the way she catches herself thinking about his brother. But after all of this, betraying Zak, getting him killed, she'll never be worthy of that. Her mother was right, someone like her doesn't deserve to be loved, and if Zak really loved her then he was just innocent and blind. She doesn't want to love anyone anyway, Kara tells herself. Not if it ends like this. She's learned her lesson.

Lee wakes and she's gone. Zak's gone and now Kara's gone and he's more panicked than he should be because he can't handle another loss right now.

He pulls on a sweatshirt and heads downstairs. The kitchen is cold and still and it's a few frantic minutes before he sees her sitting out on the patio, curled into a deck chair, her arms around her knees. Rocking, staring off into space. Not crying, but her cheeks stained with tears. She looks so young.

When he reaches her, Lee touches her arm but she shakes him off. Her skin is freezing to the touch; she's been out here a while.

"You should stay away from me." Her voice is cool. She stares off at the horizon, not meeting his eyes.

"Kara," he begins.

"Gods, Lee, he's not even two days dead and I slept with his brother." Her voice is full of self-loathing.

"Kara-"

"He was lucky to get away from me. Maybe the gods were just doing him a favor."

She's brutal, rude, and he doesn't yell back because he knows she's in pain. "I miss him, too." Lee sees the jerk that goes through her. For a moment she turns toward him, almost meets his eyes, but then there's a crash from inside the house.

Both of them turn quickly. Through the glass door they can see Carolanne, stumbling across the room. The lamp Lee bought her to replace the one he broke is laying in fragments on the floor and Lee winces.

"Hey, mom," he says quickly as he slides the door open. "You remember Kara?"

His mother squints at the light from the door. "Lee, is that you?" Her words are still slurred.

Lee grimaces in frustration, then takes a breath, takes control. "Mom, why don't I make some breakfast? We only have a couple hours until we need to leave for the funeral."

Kara brushes past him, races past Carolanne and up the stairs.

He stares after her, still not sure where they stand, then turns and goes into the kitchen. As he pours coffee a few minutes later, Lee sees Kara out the window as she jumps into her truck and pulls out of the driveway. He dumps one of the mugs in the sink.


	10. Chapter 10

**Prologue: Chapter 10**

* * *

><p>Kara is numb as she drives back toward Delphi. Most of yesterday between meeting Bill Adama and Lee showing up is a blur that she doesn't push herself to remember. Instead she focuses on the feel of the road moving past underneath her truck, not as good as the clouds under a Viper but close enough for now.<p>

When she finally pulls up and parks outside her apartment, Kara's stomach clenches at the thought of seeing all Zak's things. Then she chastises herself: it's her fault he's dead. She deserves every bit of this pain like she never deserved him.

There's only an hour until she needs to be at the temple for the service, so Kara avoids dealing with the reminders, showers with her eyes closed so she doesn't have to stare at his shampoo. Her throat aches from crying so much yesterday. She puts on her dress greys, hands shaking as she affixes the pips to her collar.

The bell is tolling as she reaches the temple on the base where the service is being held, but Kara hangs back. Many of her cadets are milling around, some in tears, others quietly in shock. She should be helping them but can't seem to move.

As the doors open and the nuggets head inside, Kara finally approaches. Just inside the doors is a photograph on a stand. She stops, mesmerized. Were his eyes always that blue? Is she already forgetting? His name is displayed below: Lieutenant Zakary Adama. Kara nods, glad that he's gotten the rank he would have held.

Instead of entering down the main aisle, Kara slips along the side. Lee's wave from the first row catches her eye. He signals to her to join him and his mother. She hesitates, then looks past him to the box on the dais. This will be hard enough as it is. She walks quickly along the edge of the pews, avoiding drawing attention from her students, and sits beside Lee.

He turns, and she can feel him staring at her profile. Neither of them speaks. Finally Lee faces forward. After a moment he takes her hand, and she allows it without comment.

"We gather here to remember Zakary Samuel Adam, son of William and Carolanne," begins the priest. He begins the liturgy and Kara relaxes, lets the rhythm of the prayers she knows by rote carry her away from their meaning. "For those who trust in the Gods shall not fear death, for they know it is not a true ending but a chance to begin anew." Lee squeezes her hand. Kara squeezes back. "As it written, all this has happened before, and all this will happen again." Kara closes her eyes and hopes it's true.

"And now a brief eulogy," the priest intones, "delivered by William Adama, Zakary's father."

Kara feels Lee go suddenly tense as they watch the Commander rise from the opposite pew and ascend to the dais. He takes a deep breath before beginning.

"Zak was one of the most cheerful children you'd ever met," Adama begins, his face a sort of grimace as he forces out the words. "He would come running to me every time I walked into the house." He blinks hard. "It's difficult to believe he's no longer with us, that I won't see him running toward me when I step out onto the quad, but I take some small measure of comfort in knowing that Zak died doing what he loved: flying."

Lee's grip feels like it might break her fingers, but she doesn't let go.

"Zak had finally become a man in these last months at the Academy, and I deeply regret not being able to see him graduate and wear his wings with pride. No matter what, though, I will always be proud of him-" Adama falters and stops. "He was my son," he finishes, his voice weaker. His gaze roams the room, lands on Lee for a minute, then Kara. She feels a surge of her own pain rising to answer his. Adama nods to her once, then turns to the priest and heads back to his seat.

Lee pulls away from her, turning to comfort his mother, who has broken out into soft sobs. Kara stands silently through the last hymn, then slips back out the side aisle, leaving Lee and Carolanne to greet the mourners. For once it's a mercy that hardly anyone knew about her relationship with Zak; she doesn't think she could have borne having to be the grieving fiance right now.

Kara skirts the crowd and kneels in a recess in the rear of the temple before the idol of Hermes. She rests her fingertips on the foot of the statue and whispers her own prayer, that he will guide Zak well, will deliver him to rest and peace.

Suddenly she hears rising voices from behind her.

"Of course he ran to you, you were never home!" Lee bursts out.

Kara holds her breath as she stands, peers around the corner.

"He was my son," Adama is growling. "And he's gone."

"Oh, your son who loved being a Viper pilot?" Lee spits. "I've seen him fly, have you? Zak was not meant for this; he only did it for you. It's your fault he's dead!"

"Enough!" Adama barks. He looks like he might take a swing at Lee, but at just that moment he sees Kara. "Lieutenant Thrace," he says, his temper receding. "I was hoping to have a word with you."

Lee turns to her, his eyes flashing with anger. "He shouldn't have died!" he protests loudly, whether to her or his father she's not sure.

"Leland?" Carolanne calls from the direction of the main entrance.

He glances over his shoulder toward her. "Come on, Kara."

She looks to Adama, who's still waiting for her. "I'll be there in a minute," she says to Lee.

He sighs in irritation and heads off.

"You've met my other son?" Adama asks ironically.

Kara nods. "Yes, sir. Zak...introduced us."

"I wanted to talk to you about a position on Galactica. I spoke to Major Marshall about transferring you and he approved it. Apparently some of the other instructors had already arranged to cover for you and there's only a week remaining in the semester. Is that still what you want?" He touches her shoulder, wordlessly commanding her eyes. There's a tenderness in the gesture that draws out her pain but also soothes it.

"Yes, sir." The words come without forethought.

"Good." Adama nods, begins to lead her out. "If you can be ready, my transport returns to the Galactica tonight at 2000."

Her eyes widen a moment in panic, but then it recedes. The alternative is sleeping back in the apartment, surrounded by Zak's things, in the bed where she's frakked both Zak and Lee. "I'll be ready," she says softly. He pats her on the back.

As they exit the temple, the motorcade is already pulling away, and Kara slips off toward her truck.

"What was that about?" Lee demands, crossing the lawn toward her.

Kara holds herself straight, suddenly nervous after Lee's outburst inside. "Your father offered me a place on Galactica. And I'm taking it." She watches his face go stony with anger and adds softly, "It's what Zak wanted, Lee." Even to her own ears it sounds like she's begging.

He shakes his head but doesn't yell. Instead he faces her, his eyes boring into hers. "Is it what you want, Kara?" Lee finally asks.

She can feel all the layers of the question. He takes a step closer, into her personal space, and the electricity between them isn't gone, even now. Lee lays his hand against her cheek, his thumb stroking gently. For just a moment Kara closes her eyes, feels the rightness of the contact, the way his touch steadies the confusion that fills her. And then she looks up at him, sees the same emotion in his eyes and pulls away hard. This is more dangerous than anything she could do in a Viper.

Kara takes a step back. "I've made my decision."

Lee seems to deflate. "Fine," he snaps, then winces in apology for his tone. "I'll...I'll see you there." He turns and crosses back to where his mother is waiting.

Kara leans against her truck, then climbs into it. Her hands are shaking. She turns the key and pulls into the parade of cars.

It's slow going following the caravan and trying not to dwell on where they're headed. To think of Zak's body deep in the ground, never touched again, never warm in her arms. Kara blinks away tears as loneliness wells ups inside her. "I miss you," Kara whispers to the air, to the spot where Zak should be sitting. "I'm so sorry." She tries to breathe slowly and forestall tears as she parks.

When she opens the door, Adama is climbing out of his towncar a few yards away, watching her. Kara stiffens, but he just waves her over, leads the way to the grave. Lee glares when he sees her with his father, but Kara can't care. This moment is about Zak.

The priest begins again here, words of a ritual she's only heard once before: when her mother died. The words flow past her, lose their meaning. At one point Lee steps away from his mother on the other side of the grave to put his own pips down on the coffin. Kara closes her eyes. If only she'd told Zak he wasn't ready, they wouldn't be here.

Adama takes her hand.

The guns fire and her body jerks: One. Two. Three. Four.

xxx 

The cadets finally swarm her as the service ends, as the coffin is lowered into the ground. She can't leave, not until its over, and is forced to deal with Firefly's clinging, Balderdash's respectful hug, Briggs' tears. Even Pearson is there, and thankfully doesn't question why she was standing with the family.

And then it's done. He's buried. No trace of the coffin is visible. Kara stumbles around the grave and heads toward her truck but Lee is standing in her path, watching her, waiting for something.

"I have to go," Kara stammers, not even sure he's close enough to hear her, and turns the other way.

It's been two years but even as she sprints, Kara's feet remember. A few mintues later she collapses, gasping, in front of Socrata's headstone. As she catches her breath, Kara leans her forehead against it, her fingers tracing the letters: Socrata Thrace. Mother.

"You were right," she whispers in anguish, tears on her cheeks. "You were always right."

All those fights, in her teenage years, when Socrata had told her she was a burden, a cancer, a poison. Kara thought Zak had come into her life to fix her, but it was the other way round. She entered his, bringing betrayal and destruction.

For a long time, Kara rests there, completely drained. She cannot imagine moving, ever wanting to move.

And then the sky begins to darken, and she remembers. She has to go.

xxx 

A few hours later, Kara's in the spaceport, taking with her only what she can carry in a duffle bag. Her apartment is locked up, all her belongings left behind. She carries only two pieces of evidence of the past year: a small silver ring that belies the weight of love and loss and guilt it bears and a photograph, folded in half, to remind her of what she can't have and what she never could.


	11. Epilogue

**Prologue: Epilogue**

**Author's Note: Yes, I accept the irony of this chapter title. **

**So, I originally planned to end this story after chapter 10 and continue to write other fic chronologically, since I tend to reference earlier pieces and didn't want to tangle myself up. But this piece ended up being so dark that it needed something, even if it isn't a total change, to brighten the ending. So you get this! Here we skip temporarily to Galactica, in the week that Kara spends recovering after crashing in You Can't Go Home Again. It will probably also be incorporated into whatever I end up writing about that period in the show. Umm...I hope you like it!**

**Oh, also, I'm considering posting further fic only on livejournal and not here, since there seem to be many more people reading over there. Is that what you all have found, too?**

**Okay, here we go:**

* * *

><p>"Hold still." Kara presses down hard with the cold compress as Lee jerks away. "Baby," she mutters affectionately.<p>

Lee snatches it out of her hand. "I wouldn't have bothered coming all the way to sick bay if I knew would be treated to your bedside manner instead of Cottle's."

Kara sighs and lays back on her hospital bed, unfazed. "Cause who wouldn't want the doting doctor's attentions? Especially since he reports to your father."

He snorts and holds the ice along his jaw.

She props herself up on her elbows, grinning and waggling her eyebrows. "So, Captain, did you get to send someone to the brig for hitting you? Your first time?"

Lee rolls his eyes. "No, _Lieutenant_, not everyone needs to be locked up in isolation to get their temper back under control."

"Well maybe I just like the privacy," she smirks. Kara turns her head and looks through the gaps in the curtains to where Socinus is getting a cut checked out and Skulls is throwing up in a bedpan. "Not much of it here, for that matter." She turns back to Lee. "Can we say I did it?" She smiles gleefully.

He can't help laughing, then sobers, holds the compress in his hands and stares at it. "It was Billy."

"Keikaya?" Her disbelief is clear.

He nods to himself. "Dee brought him to the rec room and he was talking about his brother, how he ended up with this dog that his brother had left with him when he moved to Picon a few years ago." Lee glances over at Kara and sees her watching him seriously. He shrugs. "I told him...I said it gets better. Which, to be fair, I'd have punched me, too."

"Would you do that? For me?" she prompts.

He smacks her good leg instead, and Kara yelps. Then he rests his hand on her ankle, looks intently into her face. "It does though, right?"

Her eyes widen, at his words or his touch he's not sure.

"Yeah," Kara says softly. "It does." She stops for a minute. They still haven't talked through what happened before she crashed her Viper, or even how they parted years ago. But he's waiting, so she goes on. "That first year after he died was hard, but eventually..." She shakes her head.

"Eventually what?"

"I stopped wondering."

"What do you mean?" He stares into her face.

Kara swallows hard. She's never said this out loud before. "For a long time, there would just be...you know...moments. When I'd think-what would we be doing right now? Would he be sitting next to me? Working on me about kids? And I'd miss him." She rubs at her bandaged knee and pretends that's why her eyes are damp. "But now, the Cylons...there's no time for that anymore." Kara darts a glance at him. "Besides, things are different. Everybody's lost just about everyone." She picks at her blanket. "He might be dead anyway," she murmurs.

"Zak was the one who crashed his bird," Lee says, trying to ease the guilt he can still hear in her voice. "I flew with him, too. He was almost there. He knew enough to be responsible for his own mistakes."

She shrugs.

"I had a party for him," Lee says after a minute, offering an admission of his own.

Kara looks up and frowns skeptically. "What?"

"On Atlantia. For his birthday. When he would have turned 22, and 23."

She smiles. "That's a little morbid, Lee."

"Hey." He taps her ankle, then goes back to holding the ice against his jaw. "When we were little, since our birthdays were a month apart, Mom would throw one big party right in between. All the neighborhood kids, cake and ice cream and balloons." He shrugs. "It used to be easier to get ice cream on a battlestar."

"It sounds nice."

He smiles sadly. "There's nobody left who remembers those parties."

"But Zak's not forgotten."

Lee looks up, sees the intensity in her gaze and remembers her words from so long ago. "Never."

They gaze at each other for a long moment, unguarded.

Kara interrupts first. "Ishay was taking me for a walk earlier, cause I needed to get out of here. We were down-in the hall near records, people have been posting pictures." She pauses and Lee nods that he's seen it, too. "I put up what I could find from my squadron, the ones we lost in the first attacks. Stinger and Helo..." she bites her lips a moment against their names; the losses are still so fresh.

"You want to put up Zak?"

She shrugs lamely.

Lee nods to himself. "I think I have a picture we can use. Hang on, I'll be right back."

"Hey!" Kara protests as he gets up and heads for the entrance to sick bay. "What the-" She slumps back against the bed, grouchy at the reminder that she's stuck until her knee heals. She closes her eyes, twirls the ring on her thumb the way she always does. It soothes her.

"Here," Lee says a minute later, and he's back, standing over her.

She frowns when he pulls it out.

"What?" Lee asks.

"Nothing." She reaches for it.

"Kara? You okay?"

"Shut up." She glares.

He snorts.

Kara reaches down and pulls out a scalpel from a drawer next to her bed. Lee laughs. "Cottle just let you have that?"

"Hey, Lee, there are cylons around," Kara says cavalierly. "And you know I like my weapons handy."

He chuckles. "Do you remember that day?"

She gives him a look. "It was the first time we flew together. Of course I remember, Apollo."

"Yeah," he says, his voice unexpectedly soft.

Kara lays the picture down on her tray table and readies the scalpel.

"You're cutting it?" Lee exclaims.

She looks up. "Well we can't have you and me up there, frakwit, you'd scare half the fleet." She sees his face fall and shrugs. "Don't worry. There are many copies." She slices delicately down the slick paper. Only her arm, with his ring on her finger, remains attached to Zak. Kara hesitates, then holds out the pieces to Lee. "You'll have to put it up."

He raises his eyebrows, then glances around. "Oh I think I can spring you. Come on."

Kara's face lights up at his unexpected deviousness. "Am I inspiring you there, Apollo?"

Lee rolls his eyes and leaves her line of sight for a minute, returns with a wheelchair. "Here we go." He slides his arms gently around her back and under her legs. For just a moment, Kara is flush against Lee's chest, her cheek resting against his heartbeat. The heat of his body stirs up the memories they've been denying for weeks and she looks away quickly as she settles into the chair, trying not to let Lee notice she's flushed.

He doesn't seem to, just glances back and forth across the sick bay, then drops his ice pack abruptly into her lap and pushes her briskly toward the hatch.

Despite Kara's pleading, Lee refuses to race down the halls with her chair, and it takes them nearly ten minutes to reach what's becoming known as the Memorial Hall.

Kara insists he wheel her slowly as she searches for just the right place, but it's Lee who finds it. "Here," he says, pointing. There are a few inches of empty space in the middle of a wall, between a smiling baby and a young woman in a bikini on a beach somewhere. Kara wordlessly passes him the picture and he finds a tack. "Nice view, at least, man," Lee mutters as he pushes it through the photo. And smiles, because his brother would.

Kara looks up at the picture, remembers for a brief moment how genuinely loved Zak made her feel for the months she knew him. Tears spring to her eyes but she blinks them away. Pushing all her weight onto her good leg, she rises from the chair, gripping the wall to get upright.

"Whoa, there!" Lee says, reaching to help her.

She glares, then slowly settles herself on the floor opposite Zak's picture, only wincing a little as she gets her leg stretched out in front of her. Lee shakes his head but drops amiably beside her. Kara holds out a flask.

Lee accepts it, then raises an eyebrow, teasing. "With love from Ellen?"

She give him a fierce grin. "Won it at triad."

He holds up the flask toward the picture. "To Zak, the best brother I could have had." He sips and passes the ambrosia back to her.

"Who even loved a up a frak-up like me," Kara adds quietly, swigging.

"Who was the first person to blindly follow my orders, even when he ended up with poison ivy," Lee tacks on, then wrests the flask from her for a sip.

She giggles. "Who decided screwing a superior officer was a great idea."

"And who would probably have passed out by now." Lee tries not to choke as Kara cracks up next to him.

They're laughing as a group of people walk by, glancing at them warily.

Lee sighs. "Did he ever tell you about the first time he had ambrosia?"

Kara's eyes light up. "No!"

"It was when Dad made Commander. They had a party when he came home on leave, in our house and in the yard outside. Caterers, open bar, the whole spread."

"How old were you?"

"Well, I was eighteen. I'd already been away at War College for a semester and so I knew about drinking. Zak," he grins, "Zak was just sixteen.

"Anyway, there were these other officers' kids there and we snagged a bottle of really expensive ambrosia. And we sat around, away from the party, halfway down to this ravine behind our house. And Zak," he shakes his head. "He can't have had more than a few shots but..." He's already laughing. "He slipped, down the ravine, and couldn't get out again." He meets Kara's eyes, sees her delight. "And so my father comes down, looking for us, and Zak's scrabbling up the slope, covered in dirt and gods know what else, and dad's glaring at me for laughing, and just as he reaches down to grab Zak's hand, Zak pukes all over the place. Just everywhere." He grins. "And the generals showed up just as we hoisted him out. Thank gods I had to get back to College or he'd have killed me for sure."

Kara is still laughing at the image. Lee takes a drink and passes the booze to her. "Did he tell you how the other kids in his squadron found out about us?"

He raises his eyebrows in surprise. "No."

She grins and takes a long swallow. "It's almost the same story, actually. We went out for Colonial Day, like everyone else on the planet. I mean, literally, the planet, and within about an hour Zak could barely walk." She shakes her head, remembering. "And this little girl, Firefly, little like Cally, tells me she'll walk him back to the barracks, but she's pretty far gone so I tell her I'll do it. The barracks were closer than my apartment, and Zak wasn't getting laid in that state anyway, so I took him there. The puking happened just as I got him to his bed, all over me."

Lee winces in sympathy even as he snickers. "Oh, Zak."

"Right, so I have to shower, and by the time I'm done Zak's thrown up all the alcohol he drank and is relatively sober again. And since the barracks were empty, we figured why the hell not frak?"

"Of course," he nods at her logic.

Kara elbows him. "He was screaming my name when Firefly and Balderdash walked in to check on him."

"And you in all your glory?"

"I've never seen nuggets so shocked in all my life. And I've said some pretty obscene things to them." She sighs, shifts to rest her cheek against Lee's shoulder as she looks up at Zak. "But they kept our secret."

"I assume your primary training goal is to keep the nuggets from telling on you," Lee says affectionately.

"Yeah..." Kara's quiet a minute. "I wish I'd kept pictures of them."

Their breathing slowly calms, and they sit in silence for a while, Kara leaning on Lee. After a while he settles his cheek against her hair. There's comfort, as always, in the contact.

"I let you down," Kara whispers. "I'm sorry."

Lee shifts to look at her, realizes she's addressing the photograph. "So am I," he murmurs to his brother.

She pulls away enough to see him. He meets her eyes. She doesn't ask for what.

Kara looks away first. Lee slides his arm around her as she settles back against him, and laces his fingers through hers. He doesn't press her to talk about all the things they haven't said, about her running away from him at the funeral or the joy of flying CAP together or how once long ago they made love in a shower stall. It's enough that what she said was important that first night still is: the two of them, together, right there.


End file.
